My husband just left to go to his first day of work, he's just filling out paperwork and stuff today. He's been unemployed for about 4 months and I've been with him everyday all day. So now that he's gone it's freaking me out. I'm not really used to being alone. And my anxiety is way high.
So here I am, thoughts going crazy, hating being alone, scared, anxious…sitting in my bathroom, listening to music, and having my razor blade sit next to me. Thinking of a place I could cut without him noticing or finding out. That's horrible. I shouldn't be doing this. I've had days where I just want to down my bottle of xanax and just be numb as numb can be. To feel a MOMENT of relief from this anxiety and obsessive thoughts would feel so amazing. Since I fell asleep last night, which took me about an hour 1/2 from finishing my last blog, from when I woke up this morning…anxiety. It has not let up one bit. What the hell, how can my body be in this state constantely.
Honestly, I don't think anyone knows how truly miserable I am. How often I think horrible things, how much I cry when I have a second alone. I hide the really bad emotions under the surface. Right now I'm just sitting here crying and hating myself, I would never show that in front of anyone else. Sometimes I try so hard not to cry in front of my mom or husband that my throat starts hurting so bad and sometimes a few tears escape and if anyone notices they ask if I'm crying or if my eyes are watering and of course I say 'oh I just have something in my eye, it's watering' when inside I'm screaming.
If I cut myself now and my husband finds out and he knows that I did it when he left for work he's going to be scared of leaving me because I did that. That's not fair to him, I don't want him to be stressed out. I wish I could just do it and feel the relief and have no cuts to show for it. I can't help it. It's what I know how to do to make this stop. I need this to stop so bad. It's so overwhelming not to have a second of not having anxiety or horrible thoughts.
If I didn't have anybody, no one that cared, no one to hurt, I wouldn't want to be here anymore. I wouldn't want to live this life I have created for myself. This isn't living. I just cannot stop crying uncontrollably and breathe right. My thoughts are all jumbled up, I don't know if this is even making sense.
I just put away the razor, I didn't do anything. It was so hard to do. I can't do it. Not for myself, but for everyone else. I wish I could do it for myself.
Please give me the strength I need to get through this.