I’ve never loved someone- I’ve never been in love before. I’ve written about it in great length  in my stories. Two people who fall in love and want to defy fate to stay together. To love someone so fully and deeply with every broken part of yourself. I sometimes wonder how capable I am of loving someone. Trusting someone is going to be the biggest step for me. I’ve only known relationships where I’m being manipulated and eventually abandoned one way or another. Loneliness has creeped its way inside of me. Despite being adapted to being an independent person, I am lonely. So much has changed in my life in such a rapid current that I am just getting my footing. I’m estranged from even more relatives than before. I don’t have a friend circle so it’s usually just me. I am glad things are normal for me but normalcy doesn’t erase years worth of damage to me. This isn’t me victimizing my self I’m just being realistic that I have a past. I’ve spent too many years around people who have used my vulnerabilities against me. Who have used my most painful experiences as some joke. Right now I’m just wondering.

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