well the weekend came and went and i found myself with a lot of time on my hands and yet i felt i let it all slip away having done nothing of import.  Not that this is something new, because i would have the same kind of weekends before being positive but i never felt that way about them.  Something about having a status change has changed the way i feel about time, or better yet, made me think about time at all.  Before, it could be said I was just as oblivious as most negative people are about time or wasting in but since being positive i've felt time more acutely.  It's not like i'm going to die tomorrow, as it is i'm perfectly healthy but the status change has made me more conscious of my own mortality.  Most people operate as though they will live forever and never give a second thought to their demise.  But, now i feel an imperative that i shouldn't waste time and that i should make every second count. That my time should all be meaningful, chock full of vitamins and minerals instead of wasted, empty caloirie seconds.  That i should be in the thick of things flowing in the current of life intead of just wetting my feet at the shore and watching all those who truly emerse themselves in the currents and flow of it.  When i want to do something and take action i encounter my second dilemna….that most things worth doing are not meant to be done alone.  I'm comfortable being alone and that's ok when i read a book or play a video game but most other human endeavors are meant to be shared, and preferably with people one respects and cares for and whose company one enjoys.  We are social creatures by nature but i have been such a watcher of human affairs that now that i feel i should be doing things i find that i reduced my social circle to a paltry sum and most have lives of their own with problems of their own that they rarely available for more then time on a telephone conversation.  I require more then a disembodied voice on the line or a text message or email.  That's so impersonal and i'm a person who does thrive on visual and physical contact (and here i don't mean sex).  there are so many subtle nuances that can de obtained through body language that is lost on a phone or text message.  The thing is i feel i lost the ability to make friends and where does one even start to find them?  now a days almost every internet ad for firnds is really a subtefuge for looking for a long term relationship or a quickie.  There self delude into truly believing their add but then put fifty million physical parameters that must be met in order to chat let alone attempt a friendship.  If they truly have no ulterior motives other then friendship then what difference does it make what age, race, gender, religion, nationality, height, weight, etc. etc. etc. the other person is.  Anyone and everyone should be equally qualified if in fact friendship is the only thing sought.  People should just be more honest with themselves and with others and think twice before making such ads because it's self evident to others if not themselves that they are being hypocritical.  If you can't be true to yourself how can you expect to be true to others.  Maybe i'm being too idealistic or too judgemental or too intraspective or all of the above but this is what happens when i have a lot of time on my hands…lol


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