Since I found out my sister was pregnant I have not self harmed. I have been quite proud of myself but noone else seemed to be proud of me but that didn’t matter….
I stopped doing it becaus I knew I was getting a niece and knowing she’ll be arriving in Feb 2009 has kept me going strong…but today i let myself down and I let her down 🙁
I have been feeling so low, so worthless and I don’t know why because I have an amazing boyfriend, an amazing family and great friends….and of course my angel of a niece lying in my sisters tummy. Today I had a little tiff with my fella…I wanted to talk but he just left the room….I felt so drained, so numb I went to my secret stash in the bathroom and let all my feelings out the way I do best…Cut myself over and over…which now im regretting but im also feeling calm and content. Why cant my medication do this? Why is hurting myself the only way that keeps me calm!?
I hate doing it….but at the same time i hate my self…..so i take my hate and anger out on my body!
I have so many scars…physcally and mentally…on the outside im smiling but in the inside im screaming. I feel so numb right now…I don’t have a clue on whats going on around me…I hear the washing machine going and my boyfriends computer game and the sound of me typing but thats it!!
I miss my dog like crazy….I wish she was here…Just so I can cuddle up to her or take her for a walk….Now shes gone I dont have reason to go outside these days unless its to somewhere that sells alcohol or fags lol
Im 22 and this is it? I dont have anything to show for it….I can’t work..and when I try and work noone seems to give me the chance because of my depression.
I dunno what to do about these cuts now…How am I going to hide it? I promised myself and my bf that i wouldnt do it anymore and ive broken that promise….. 🙁
Sometimes I think god is laughing at me…one minute things are great, I feel great and i love life…The next minute I feel like this! I dont know how much more I can take…This has been going on for the past 2/3 years and its eating away at me. I try and live with the depression and everything that comes with it but I feel like im fighting a losing battle!