So it’s been a couple months since I had a down time. And I mean to the point where I am falling apart.
Things aren’t getting any better. This morning I was so upset to the point where I wanted to just cry. I wanted to take a "mental health" day from work. It’s all becoming to much for me to handle.
I actually see Mike around town now. Which is something I didn’t have to deal with before. Ever running into him. Now I do. It just makes me so angry. I just want to get out of the car and walk over to him and beat him senseless.
People tell me I have every right to feel the way I do. I know that. I don’t need someone telling me it’s ok. I am just so tired of feeling this way. So tired of feeling angry, upset, depressed…
I’m just so mad at myself. So mad I didn’t end things for good when I knew better. So angry I let it go as far as it did. So mad that I ever let him manipulate me into taking him back.
This boy cost me so much. I am so glad he is gone but he still lingers. And not just in my mind. He will still call my work to try and get a hold of me. He’s relentless. And he can’t tell me it has anything to do with caring about me or that he once loved me. It was always obsession for him. Never love. I was something or someone to be obsessed with. Someone who cared. Someone who would hold him and talk to him when he cried after the horrific things he had done. Someone who always accepted him in the end. All I was was a play toy. Something for his own amusement.
I’m just so tired of being so angry. So hurt. I know he’s out there hitting on other girls, trapping some other poor girl into his game. Like a spider with a web. And I just feel so sorry for any girl who gets mixed up in it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
I wish someone would just take this all away. Wash it from my own hands because I am unable to do so. Someone to hold me in their arms and let me cry. I’m just so tired…