All I want to do with my life is join the national guard. All I want with my life.
I can't join the national guard .. anytime soon.
The maximum weight requirement for my height is 140. You know how much I weigh? 210. I'm an 18 year old female, height of 5'4 … and I weigh 210 lbs. I wear a size 16 pants and I never show my face in a store because I'm too embarassed to know that the biggest size that they sell, I barely fit into. I was working out for a while … but then I caved in. Everybody that I told said that I couldn't do it. They all thought me joining was a joke. I took it as a challenge, but eventually it got to so much negativety I just accepted it and told myself I couldn't. The one person I actually told this to was my old friend. He was already enlisted in the guard. He believed that I could do it; he pushed me. he understood that's all I wanted. Once me and him went out seperate ways, I had no more support. I caved in and gave up.

Part of me is so mad that my mom didn't raise me better and teach me better eating habits. Do you know how hard it is to be a senior in high school … and to hate your senior picture, have two friends, and listen to people call you fat on a daily basis? People I don't know tell me I'm fat. They tell me I look like I have down's syndrome. How do you deal with that and go against what everyone says when nobody believes in you? It makes me feel so weak. I get upset, so I start eating. i eat my feelings. I can't get myself to stop. But then again, when I try .. I actually can do it. I've done it before. My house consists of 3 17 year olds, an 11 year old , me, my moms husband, and her. I've asked her to buy better food but she doesn't because of them. All they want to do is eat junk food (and their skinny as hell) so she buys junk food to keep them happy. What about me? Why can't she support me? That's part of the reason I started using. Given the fact I have quit … I still want to from time to time. Sometimes I don't know how I keep myself from not re-using. Probably the fact that I don't want to let myself down from the success I've already have. But with this, I have no success with it. So why do I even try again? To face more disappointment everyday like I do now from my previous failure?

1 Comment
  1. mmare2010 11 years ago

     I understand the frustration of living in a house full of people who don't support your nutritional goals. That can be very difficult, especially if they're the ones who buy the food.

    You can do it. I just lost 60 lbs over the last year and a half. It took a lot of time and work but it can happen. You don't even have to eat healthy, I live on junk food a lot of the time, I just eat less of it. Of course, as you gain independence in your life as you grow older, you'll be able to shop for whatever you like to eat and whatever you want to put in your body.

    You're a beautiful girl. I'm a college professor and I teach people your age. I did not have a fun time in highschool either. I know it may sound cliche but there are 'late bloomers'. There's a saying, that those who say the best days of your life are in highschool haven't been to college. 

    I guess my point is that you're life is just starting and you're sober, so that's a great thing to be at your age. Find some activities you enjoy that will take you out of your unsupportive environment. Also, this is not an advertisement, a website I really enjoy to get support for fitness and nutrition is sparkpeople.com and it's free.

    Best wishes 🙂

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