It's 12:24 a.m. now. I'm sitting up in bed finding myself very jealous of those people who say and make it so easy to live by the motto "If you want to be happy, then be."

Seasonal Affective disorder / Obsessive Worrying / and anxiety make happiness seem like something that I've only heard about and never truly experienced.. happiness is something I relate to as being worry free.. something I can say that I've never been and worry that I never will be. OCD, round and round we go.

It just seems like I'm trying everything ( Ativan, 5HTP, Vitamin D3, staying busy) and no matter what I do, the obsessive thoughts always find their way back to me when we reach the end of the day.

11 years ago this summer I was laying in bed at my grandparents vacation home, having already suffered with the same thoughts, fears, anxieties for a # of years, and I asked myself.. "Will this ever end?''

More and more each day I lose confidence and I lose ground in the battle against my thoughts.. and every successful relationship I could have is great in the first few weeks because my thoughts are put under control and on the back burner from the excitement of dating someone new, having companionship, being in the honeymoon phase essentially. But eventually the uncertainty, the loss of confidence and the anxiety that I exude when I'm at war with myself shows through, and I find myself alone again. Maybe I'm putting too much on companionship.

The lack of sunshine certainly doesn't help, and having to move to nightshift to keep my job (3 12 hour shifts at a level 1 trauma center, currently I'm orienting on days but the nightshift is approaching) is only unleashing another element that's not going to add to my mental health in anyway shape or form.

Every day I try and stand tall, remember who I am and know that "this too shall pass".

My mind races constantly. I wonder if a geographical change is the cure. San Diego sounds amazing right now. I must sound crazy to you all. Who else lives like this? I'm really 26? Where did the last 10 years of my life go? Did they fly by because I've spent 70% of the time worrying and not living my life?

Anytime that I've ever had a "what if I committed suicide" thought enter my head, I just think about the consequences religiously,(perish in hell for alleternity, to paraphrase),physically(death), and what it would do to my family, the thought quickly gets brushed aside as not an option. Haha, kind of a shitty deal ya know? Suffer a majority of the time in life, or burn in hell for all eternity. Just to point out I am not suicidal nor do I have any wish to die.

I think I keep changing career plans because if I feel like I get tired of a current plan, don't look forward to it anymore (having something to look forward to is a big part of what keeps me going), none of it really has anything to do with what I want to do.. just that I always want to have a plan that I'm putting into action so I feel like I'm staying busy… does that make sense? haha does that sound similar to any type of career out there?

I took 1mg of ativan an hour ago and now my thoughts are at bay, and I'm relaxed. But this is bullshit, I shouldn't have to pop a pill to feel like a normal person.

I don't know.

This is my first blog, ever. I hope it's not too crazy for ya.

Jourdan