Well since my last blog…ehh life is just full of crap. I hate ,y brain sometimes…it always tells me I can't do something. Or it tells me I won't be happy, don't want to be friends with good people, that I don't believe in god…I could go on and on. For the past 2.5 years I have rearanged my life because of fear of loosing my boyfriend. A man who might not be the most exciting individual but is a man who has stuck by me threw all the fears and doubts, who tries to offer suggestions to help me…a good man. With my mind it tells me I dont want him, that I hate him…that if I work or go out and have fun with friends…it means I dont like him or that I will fall in love with someone better then him…someone more exciting someone who will keep my attention. I should also mention I have no hobbies or anything I have ever done for myself. Growing up my enjoyment was sitting on a swing daydreaming about life for HOURS at a time listening to music and never dong those things because of fear of change. I can't handle change I feel like everything is pointless in life. Depression? I think I have a case of this as well. The last time I was dating someone the thoughts told me I hated him as well and that god didn't love me and that if I hung out with other women I would become gay. I went for years thinking girls wold turn me…then I had a mix that god was calling me to be a nun. I am surprised I made it in school because some of the classes I took that helped with positive thinking…I felt shameful for thinking I could have a positve life. That I would disappoint god if I had belongings. I have recently stayed off Facebook and websites because I find myself looking for relationship answers and digging deeper for god to tell me what I am suppose to do. Right now I am fine just battling the same battle n my brain. I just hope some medication helps to calm it down and that talking with someone I can learn some skills to not be so fearful. This is hard but there is nothing to fear but fear itself. If I end up falling in love with someone else then I guess I do. I can't stop living because I am driving myself crazy in the mean time…however I have tried so much other things that…I hope medication will help calm and clear my head because nothing from the natural things have helped. Now I will say I am going to change my diet to because I think I need some good fresh vitamins….here goes nothing

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