I can\'t remember how much I\'ve updated things, or even when my last blog was. And I\'m too lazy to check. I think it was positive. There was one day last week where I believed that my anxiety had been cured. I just though it was gone and I felt the most normal I had in weeks. I felt like myself.
Unfortunatly that was just one day. It\'s all coming back now. I wrote into the members in need because Tuesday or Wednesday, I really started panicking about the two tests I had to write the next day. I was fairly well prepared for the one test, but the second, I had no hope. Typically, I can cram right before the test and do really well. I\'ve always been like that, and I guess that I\'ve coasted alot being able to understand things quickly and without much studying required.
Anxiety takes that ability away. And I was completely unprepared for it. I started feeling anxious Tuesday night and then by Wednesday, it began to really kick in. The throat swelling, increasing pressure in my head, vision blurring, restlessness and inability to focus. And of course the feelings of guilt, of blame, of embarassment, and of disappointment in myself which only serve to reinforce the panic even more. That was my Wednesday afternoon. I was able to get more done Wednesday evening thanks to meeting with friends – and I fought off the anxiety pretty well then. I should mention at that point my doctor had taken me off any panic meds and put me on some regular drug I am to take which reduces your anxiety overall, but takes a few weeks to take effect – so at that point it wasn\'t working.
I completed enough studying on Wednesday to be prepared for the first test on Thursday. The plan was to wake up early and start studying for the later exam. Thursday morning, I was doing ok for an hour, but I began to let my anxiety consume me and had a full blown panic attack which prevented me from doing the cramming that I normally would. I was just in tears the entire morning. I called my mother who helped me through it and just said, I had to at least write the one test I was prepared for. It took a lot of effort to calm myself down for that test. Despite the physical symptoms of anxiety that were bothering, I was able to focus on the test and do well. Then I went straight to the doctor to explain to him the anxiety I\'d been experience that had slowed my progress immensely over the past few days, and hope that he would write me a note for missing the exam. Upon arriving at the doctor\'s office, the panic struck again. I just felt so much disappointment in myself. And so much fear of judgement from the nurse, the doctor, the other patients at the clinic. I kept thinking, "They are all fine. They are all students dealing with the same amount of pressure and they can cope. And I\'m a cop out. I\'m weak and I\'m overly emotional and I can\'t just do what I need to do because I let myself fall into the anxiety."
I felt underserving of the doctor\'s note, although it helped to calm me a little bit. And just talking to my doctor helped. He said, "it just be exhausting to be going through the anxiety continuously, and at every point that you try to work, you have to work even harder to try to fight off those feelings that start to arise." I told him how I had wanted to come in to the office a few days ealier to get different medication, to get something to help with what I had been dealing with, but that I had felt too afraid to be because I felt I couldn\'t afford the time away from studying just to go into the doctor\'s office to get help. My doctor said that\'s the vicious cycle of anxiety. .And he made me see that, although I felt I didn\'t have the time to go to the clinic, how much time had I actually spent studying effectively? When I look at it that way, i definitely had time to go over there – it\'s not as if cycling through trying to study, feeling anxious, hating myself, and struggling to refocus despite all that, that I was really getting that much work done.
So now I\'m on Xanax. I guess it "works". I still have the lump in my throat, but I feel fairly relaxed. Relaxed in a weird way though. In a tired way. I still feel tension in my body, but my eyes are just telling me I need to sleep. We\'ll see how this works out. I have another exam, a much more challenging exam this Thursday. At least there is only one. And if I can stay awake on the new meds long enough to study, I might just be alright.