31/12/12. Im so happy to see this year leave. I had a not so bad Christmas the whole family together for dinner and partying. I had to leave and go to work at 8.30pm but it all went to hell the day after. I got home from work at 0730 and had breakfast, I went to bed around 9.30 At 1015 my nieces were banging on the bedroom window yelling to get up as I was needed. It turns out my Mum was unwell. We all started the vigil beside her bed and later that day she passed away. What do I do now? My best friend, confidante, travel buddy and MUM. has gone .

Today Monday at 11.00 she is being cremated. Why did they have to tell me the time. now I'm sat watching the clock and thinking about what is happening. my loving family all went on holidays and left me alone.

I really shouldn't say it like that. We discussed it first. and I told them to go. but with ALL my so called friends that need stuff from me throughout the year I am finding it hard to believe I have not had a phone call even thought I have told them what is going on. And I did get very upset and ask me bestie to come over but she said no she couldn't. (some friend). Here I am the person that drops everything when someone needs help. NEVER AGAIN.

Not only am I devastated and grieving but now I'm bitter as well. In 2007 on the 2nd January at 0600hrs my Dad passed away so New Year is horrible,now Christmas is too.

My depression is no better despite all the meds. since my move I have had no one to talk to as counselling is not freely available here. Now with this on top of it I think I want to just close down shop and go to sleep.

My intention was to overdose when Mum went because I knew I would be totally alone and no longer wanted around but lonliness got the better of me and I bought a new puppy called Millie and I cant leave her now. Soo that idea has gone too.

Oh well maybe it is time for a whole new outlook on life. New Year New Start. Well a rough start but hopefully it WILL get better.