I’m going through a very bad spell right now. My depression has taken a nose dive.

   Iv’e been thinking of my three cousins tht killed themselves and what it looked like in their room after they did it. Crazy huh!!!!! Iv’e been thinking that for over a week now.

    Then I started thinking about my Dad and his strokes. I was with him with the last one that took his life.

      Then their’s mom’s stroke I happened upon that one at our bank. I was thinking about that one too.

     Iv’e just been thinking of all of these things over and over again in my head and they won’t go away.

       n the 18th we admitted mom to the hospital because of her heart.They figure her pacemaker isn’t beating strong enough, so we will find out if she goes to get it fixed.

      Then on this last sunday she comes home so she can give me stuff to pay her bills and rent. And were talking and she drops this bomb on me.

          She was saying that maybe she should go into the lodge (It’s like she is giving up)  (the lodge you have a room with a bed ,easychair, and your t.v.) You have to eat what they put out (mom is on a special diet) They want you to join in on their activities ,Which mom won’t She doesn’t like to be around a lot of people, and doesn’t like a lok of noise, it gets on her nerves real bad.

            I haven’t stopped crying since sunday and i’m played out. now iv’e been having nightmares.

        To me when she said that it hit me like a ton of bricks that mom was giving up and i was losing my mom(I’m bawling now). She is a very strong ,vibrent woman, who came through a stroke and just about didn’t make it then. And she comes out with this.

               I’m just holding on by a thread right now, I don’t know what to think anymore.



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