just getting over flu, chest infaction and sinisitis. so behind with everything, but suprisinly my mood is quite level. siaticas giving me gip and iv got dozns of appointments to go to. need to fill out a weeks worth of mood records for cbt and need to write 5 weeks of journels for counselling course, oh sod it im going to wing the mood record and the journals will have to wait! i dont think its lack of motivation i just feel soooo knackered! My brothers on my mind but i dont think i can write about that as putting it into words just reminds my of how sad it all is , his situation, and how helpless i am to help. its such a long story that has developed over 25 years. my mother is treating me like dirt again, but she is a little restained at the moment, i thinks shes scard to be too bad as she knows she does need me. im a lot stronger with her now and i think this is why she does lay off a bit. i feel so sorry for her as shes not well, but its impossible to help her as she is so scary, but im not giving in so much anymore and i think that helping her, she realy cant get her own way all the time as ‘her way’ is just so wrong, but shes done so much damage already, Its all just so sad i wish i could rite about it but i just cant, i dont think i could bare to read it back, im so scared as i dont know were its going to all end, but im sure it will altimatly be on my sholders and i dont know how im going to handle it, iv got a family and they need me. i have to keep reminding myself of that. Im not going to play the martyr, not any more. im going to be a good daughter and a good sister to them but im not going to be a whipping post, not this time, it dosnt help them anyway, inthe end we have to take resposibility for what we do, its the only way to change anything, to more on, they need to realise that.

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