This is my first experience with using a online support group. I’m 22 and have had anxiety since childhood  as well as PTSD since my Mom passed away last year. I’ve had a lot going on this year. I experience intrusive thoughts but it seems to always happen when I’m at a happy point in life. I was talking to a great guy and I feel like I pushed him away. I was comfortable enough to tell him after a period of time. We aren’t talking anymore and feel like my anxiety, OCD, and PTSD screws up everything. I confided with him things I only have told two other people because I felt he wouldn’t leave. I haven’t been having the thoughts as much lately. However, I feel like I’m so down on myself after that relationship ended. It’s been two weeks and I feel so depressed. I think about things I used to do out of my anxiety and feel disgusting. This is probably tmi but I have had severe constipation in the past, I resulted to using my fingers to getting that out. I would wash my hands a million times after. But it makes me feel shamed that I had to do that. Then I inadvertently would bite my nails so I’m paranoid that what if my hands/ fingernails weren’t clean. I have a huge germ phobia as well as the fear of getting stds. I’m very safe in that area. I just feel ashamed and that I don’t deserve love because I’ve resorted to these behaviors in the past. I haven’t recently done that but it just is making me feel worthless thinking about it. I just feel hopeless and don’t know what to do. I’m on PROZAC and go to therapy but it hasn’t helped that much. I’ve talked to a few trusted people and they thought the behavior was weird but said I probably wasn’t the first person to use my finger. I just over analyze everything and feel like it’s sending me over the edge. I feel like no one will want or love me if they knew this. But I feel the urge to tell people about it or I feel that I’m lying.

3 Comments
  1. kff933 4 years ago

    Your blog aligns quite a bit with my reassurance, anxiety and OCD. I was hoping to find like minded people to get help and support for this.

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  2. kimbeme 4 years ago

    This blog was so refreshing. Your willing to be absolutely open and honest is beautiful. Your not crazy. Lots of people do things that maybe sound gross if said out loud. The difference between you and them is…. YOU SAID IT OUT LOUD! I also have anxiety and ocd. I hate saying I have OCD because I think most people might just think that means youre a clean freak or germaphobe, but thats not all OCD is.
    I did not look at your profile so Im not sure of your age or your history but you sound a lot like me over the past years. What happened to you in your life. What is your trauma? Id like to chat on here with you.

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  3. cajejb1998 4 years ago

    I agree with the others, you are not crazy! I totally understand how you feel! Most days I feel like my anxiety and OCD runs my life and it can be very frustrating.

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