I just recently discovered that I very likely have OCD. I, like so many others, misunderstood what OCD actually is and the various forms that the disorder can take. So when a friend of mine suggested that I might have it, I disregarded what he had to say. (Even though he has it and knows what he's talking about.)


My understanding of OCD was based on stereotypes. Handwashing and obsessing about order and appearance. I was none of these things. If anything, I avoided these things. But I have come to realize that the avoidance itself can be a way that OCD manifests.


I have so many symptoms of OCD that it is ridiculous. I have contamination, harm, sexual, and religious obsessions, along with obsessions with thinking/speaking/acting a certain way, remembering things, exactness, having an illness, my (perceived) flaws, change, safety, sounds, and smells. I have purification, mental reviewing/ruminating, reverse ruminating, scenario twisting, mental checking, physical checking, self-reassurance, self-harm/self-punishment, blurting/confessing, memory hoarding, compulsive prayer,repeating, counting,ordering, and avoidance compulsions.


My psychiatrist agrees that I have symptoms of OCD but she says that many of my symptoms, as well as others, fit under other disorders. She isn't convinced that I have OCD.


I actually don't have a diagnosis right now. In the past, it was thought that I could have Social Anxiety Disorder, Aspergers Disorder,Major Depression, and Bipolar II. However, none of the meds prescribed for Major Depression and Bipolar II have worked for me. In fact, they made me feel worse. Much worse. And both my psychiatrist and my friend who has years of experience working with children with autism say that I don't have Aspergers. The only things that have worked for me are benzoadepines and one anti-psychotic (which made my intensifying/self-punishment compulsion go away) and both of these can be used to treat OCD. (So if I respond well to these meds, it suggests that OCD could be a fitting diagnosis.)


I really hope that I can get a diagnosis soon, whether it is OCD or something else that fits me even more than OCD does. I feel like when I have that, I will be able to figure out how it is treated and managed and get on the road to recovery. But I feel really uncomfortable being prescribed drugs when I haven't even been diagnosed properly. I don't think this is an unreasonable demand.


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