I am doing very poorly today. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2018 and was pregnant at the time. Abortion was suggested as the pregnancy hormones would accelerate the cancer growth.

I had a child already and was thinking of them and what their life would be like without a mother and how my SO would cope with a newborn (If I made it that long) and losing me.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I chose to abort. I didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy or the abortion. I was too ashamed. I didn’t even want to tell people about the Cancer, but I knew I had to. My SO and I agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone about the abortion. It was to remain between us and we would wait until I was staged to tell people what was going on. Once we got the news, I needed a little time to process it, so I took my child to sports practice and said that we can discuss everything when I get back.

He didn’t wait. He started making calls and told a few family members. I wasn’t upset about him telling them about the Cancer, I was upset that he told someone about the abortion. It was someone that I love and trust though and they didn’t judge me. They were so supportive through everything and for them I am very thankful.

After I was officially staged, I was scheduled for surgery right away due to a cancellation. I was cleared from my doctor that all Cancer was successfully removed, but so was my ability to create life. I will never again have the chance to be pregnant again. I will never get that back. I feel like it is my punishment for being selfish. I feel like I made the wrong choice. I never told anyone about it, I just pushed it down and kept it there. I have been struggling to cope with it all for a while. I often have thoughts of not deserving life because of this.

My SO tells people on a regular basis now about my Cancer fight, but I would rather he just let it be. I dont like people knowing or feeling sorry for me. I am a very private person. Additionally, I just found out that my SO also told someone else about the abortion. This person and their family are horrible people. He told them because they were going through something similar and he wanted to be supportive of them. I feel like he betrayed me. I know that it didn’t just affect me. I know that. But he didn’t make the choice, I did. He didn’t feel the flutters beforehand. He didn’t feel our baby’s life end inside of his body. I feel like it was my choice regarding who could know and who couldn’t. Now this awful person is throwing it in my face and I can’t defend myself because they are right, I did it. I was selfish and I chose my life above my unborn child’s. I am trying not to be upset with my SO, but it wasn’t his body. It was mine, I am overcome with anxiety right now and I feel alone and helpless. Feeling like ending it all would be easier for me. The only reason I know that I won’t is my child.

2 Comments
  1. garfunkal 2 months ago

    I’m so sorry for what you have been through and are still going through. It is a very hard decision to make , I agree, I have been through it, but you had cancer. Maybe your partner needs to go to some counselling of their own to deal with this because it’s obvious they need someone to talk to as well, Have you had counselling over this? Have you spoken to your doctor about how you’re feeling right now? Please do if you havent already. Depression is treatable and you can get through this. Doing yourself in to not feel the pain is no answer and you’re right you have a child to think of, you have alot to live for , so please don’t punish yourself any further, talk to your doctor. If you want to chat to someone who knows what it’s like to abort feel free to message me anytime, I don’t mind, not many people on here chat. Hang in there ok xx

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      leighannej2020 1 month ago

      Thank you very much for the words of encouragement. They are deeply appreciated. I haven’t logged in since that day or I would have replied sooner. I had a very long conversation with my SO regarding how I was feeling and had been feeling and how he had been feeling. We made the decision to let a few people know what had taken place so that I had more people to talk with about it, since keeping it inside wasn’t working. We also decided to name our baby, and not forget them. We are still looking into counseling though. It’s just a long wait time where we live.

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