I am doing very poorly today. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2018 and was pregnant at the time. Abortion was suggested as the pregnancy hormones would accelerate the cancer growth.
I had a child already and was thinking of them and what their life would be like without a mother and how my SO would cope with a newborn (If I made it that long) and losing me.
It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I chose to abort. I didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy or the abortion. I was too ashamed. I didn’t even want to tell people about the Cancer, but I knew I had to. My SO and I agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone about the abortion. It was to remain between us and we would wait until I was staged to tell people what was going on. Once we got the news, I needed a little time to process it, so I took my child to sports practice and said that we can discuss everything when I get back.
He didn’t wait. He started making calls and told a few family members. I wasn’t upset about him telling them about the Cancer, I was upset that he told someone about the abortion. It was someone that I love and trust though and they didn’t judge me. They were so supportive through everything and for them I am very thankful.
After I was officially staged, I was scheduled for surgery right away due to a cancellation. I was cleared from my doctor that all Cancer was successfully removed, but so was my ability to create life. I will never again have the chance to be pregnant again. I will never get that back. I feel like it is my punishment for being selfish. I feel like I made the wrong choice. I never told anyone about it, I just pushed it down and kept it there. I have been struggling to cope with it all for a while. I often have thoughts of not deserving life because of this.
My SO tells people on a regular basis now about my Cancer fight, but I would rather he just let it be. I dont like people knowing or feeling sorry for me. I am a very private person. Additionally, I just found out that my SO also told someone else about the abortion. This person and their family are horrible people. He told them because they were going through something similar and he wanted to be supportive of them. I feel like he betrayed me. I know that it didn’t just affect me. I know that. But he didn’t make the choice, I did. He didn’t feel the flutters beforehand. He didn’t feel our baby’s life end inside of his body. I feel like it was my choice regarding who could know and who couldn’t. Now this awful person is throwing it in my face and I can’t defend myself because they are right, I did it. I was selfish and I chose my life above my unborn child’s. I am trying not to be upset with my SO, but it wasn’t his body. It was mine, I am overcome with anxiety right now and I feel alone and helpless. Feeling like ending it all would be easier for me. The only reason I know that I won’t is my child.