I have huge social fears. I felt that my presence harms and would like to remove myself. I felt more comfortable alone. And I think it is ok.
Do I need others. I realized that no, actually I have books, I do have to occupy a space, but the world is vast enough to accommodate me. So why do I want to stay and make others miserable? That is the me when I am young and I am happy. I will not reject others, I will not hurt others when they are near, I do not reject social contacts when it arises, nor will I actively seeks it. I felt that this is what makes me more comfortable. Maybe I should go back to this. Not seeking… comfortable with whatever is infront of me.
For a long period of time, I have been asking myself if I should remove myself, is it better for the world if I am gone. At this moment, I felt that I do have something to contribute and I am not a burden. I am a relief teacher and a tuition teacher. Day by day I am helping someone, teaching, sharing with them knowledge of life, affirming them when I see positive action. Accompanying them. There are days I have no job. Now I have to realize that I just have to wait a little. Be patient, job will come, especially tuition, there will always be someone who needed to learn Maths or Science, needed help to learn, maybe some tuition agency would not employ me, maybe some friends or relatives would not be able to help me to get a student, but I just have to keep asking, applying and waiting, there will be students who will need my help. It is worthwhile to hold me at these waiting period. It is a worthwhile cost to tolerate me at these waiting period, because when I work, someone benefited. Just wait a little, I would be able to contribute, do not belittle myself.. it is just a passing phase, it will pass. Do not worry and be depressed.. give time time. Maintain my ability to work. I can die when these qualities deteriorate. I can die when I not longer have the capacity to help others. But at this time, I still have the capacity, just that the opportunity is not there… don’t worry, my contributions previously can endure me many years of not working. At least 5 years? So I need not worry even if I am out of job for 4 years.. I can feed on previous contributions. I think my aunt has earned her lifetime of not working or contributing. She is a widow and she raised 3 children to University being a hawker. Waking up at 4 am daily… she is 80 years old now.. I had been telling her, she had earned her place.. she need not do anything more now.. she can live on her contribution.. but she is still cooking for me and her son plus family once every week… I think I had earn my stay through my past contributions? Not too much, 5 years? But I do want to continue to contribute as reserves can be depleted anytime. And I am thankful that I am employed now. Keep working and be kind. Contribute whenever I can and move away when I am a burden. Then I would not used up my reserve so much. I am just asking for the right to stay on the surface of the earth.
Thanks for this space to talk. I felt myself calmer with clearer mind on how to move on. All the best to all members here on your journey of recovery.