So I’m going to try to make this brief because I know it’s hard to read long blogs. But basically those of you who have read my few blogs know that I recently worked up the courage to talk about the OCD, get a diagnosis, etc. Then my psychiatrist cancelled our appointment because she was sick. I never heard back from her. Then I called her today (8 days after her missed appointment) and it turns out she’s been back since MONDAY and never called. I started crying and told her that she KNEW how hard it’s been for me and that I’m not really doing well and that my therapist had spoken to her too so why the hell didn’t she call me. Anyway she is "squeezing" me in but not until next Wednesday. So the damn waiting continues.

THEN. Today my therapist (who does not specialize in OCD or CBT) wanted me to get an eval from the woman in her practice who specializes in CBT, which I was on board with because I want to see a specialist. So I worked up the courage to spill all of the scariest thoughts of mine (ones I haven’t spoken to ANYONE) and totally said it all and then the woman was like "So I’m sure your therapist told you that I can’t see you because I don’t have any openings". So I started crying again and I was like no she did NOT tell me that. I’m just so frustrated–people are saying that they care but nobody is totally advocating for me and it’s even more frustrating because so many times in my life I haven’t wanted help and now that I DO want help, nobody is listening.

Basically there is nobody in her practice who does have an opening and does specialize in CBT so my options are really freaking shitty–to either go into the community and hope to find someone (I’m in a small town so it’s not likely to find someone specializing in CBT/OCD, let alone finding someone who has an opening) or having this woman teach my therapist how to do CBT and do it that way. I honestly told her that I thought that was a bad option because I want, and I need, someone who TOTALLY knows what they’re doing. I want the best help that’s out there because I haven’t gotten the right help ever, and enough is enough.

I’m just so drained and feel kind of hopeless about this whole situation–I have some new techniques and CBT things to start trying but not yet, I don’t have enough energy or mental capacity yet, right now I need to process these feelings without turning them inward (which I felt myself doing–like thinking "Screw it all I’ll just keep suffering, that’s easier than dealing with this") and I also need to start eating again and getting work done as the past few days those things have been neglected. Tomorrow I will hopefully get some names and numbers from that woman.

Am I being totally unreasonable? My parents and my good friend all think that it is TOTALLY legitimate and good of me to want the best help out there and settling for something that’s not great is not the top option. I’m just so exhausted from this all.