i\’m in one of my black moods….friday was always going to suck. it is, after all, jamie\’s birthday, and the seventh anniversary of the accident that took him away from us.
my interview last tuesday went really well. everyone was lovely, and the boss even told me she thought i was ideal for the job. so, on friday, i didn\’t expect her to call with bad news. she told me that although she had been looking forward to working with me, one of the girls (who had been glaring at me from the moment i walked in), said i didn\’t seem very friendly – and while she didn\’t agree, she couldn\’t employ me if another member of staff wasn\’t happy with it. is every business a democracy?! even though everyone else thought i was lovely, one girl (the type who looked like she should be on a sunbed somewhere) lost me the job.
i broke my heart…i know its sad, but my eyes went all watery. bear in mind, i haven\’t gotten to the interview stage in five months. and all this on the day i\’m grieving for my brother.
then it got worse. my best fish (a silver molly called trixie) died…i burnt my tea…
trying to get away from it all, i took my 24th October walk, like i do every year. even though i know where he\’s buried now, on that date i go somewhere else. there\’s a place ten minutes from where i live now, on the grounds of erddig hall (its all national trust now) where we used to go fishing, and we had a special place down there. i go every year, and we have a little chat, and i have a bit of a cry…i was walking down there when something really bad happened. the stretch of road (maybe only a hundred yards) before you get there is really badly lit, and while there are houses, they\’re pretty much fenced off. i\’m scared of the dark, but since its only that little stretch, i thought i\’d be okay.
an older guy came up to me. he stank of booze, and he started talking to me. i ignored him and kept walking(well, thats just what you do, right?), but he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him, calling me an f-ing cow, and a slag, and all manner of loud drunken insults…and then i felt a hand on my shoulder, and a voice said " beth? where\’d you go, i thought you were waiting outside for me?"
and there\’s greg, my brother matt\’s ex, the same guy we put in prison for abh and rape…and suddenly i\’m even more scared. he shoved the guy in the chest, and told him to f*** off, then took me by the arm. i wasn\’t SO scared – he had a friend with him, and better the devil you know, i guess – but i wasn\’t exactly relieved either. he walked me back to my street, and i\’m grateful and everything, but…but now he lives in the next street to me, and i\’m far from happy about it.
needless to say, when i got in i was hysterical, crying and scared, feeling stupid for endangering myself and guilty for not "going to see" jamie….and it was one of the blackest days in recent memory. some people are just unlucky i suppose