My mom used to say she couldn’t understand the name butterfly because butter doesn’t fly. She instead liked to call those beautiful flying objects flutterbys, since that’s what they do…flutter by. I miss mom. I lost her in January, and it still hurts alot. I went into the pits of hell after she died. I never thought I would miss someone so much, but here it was, this gaping hole in my life. I’ve only known one other time when I felt that empty…when my father died when I was seventeen.  I watch movies and I can’t help myself sometimes….I cry. Anytime there’s a butterfly now, I cry. I think of my mom. Patch Adams tears me up. Forest Gump breaks me. And forget Andrea Bocelli’s song "The Prayer"…I am a broken dam.  I know alot of people here have pain…and helping you helps me. Others love to me helps me, and that gives me strength to pass it on. It’s not how we come to the pain, it’s how we deal with it. I , unfortunately, went through some tough times after her death, and I broke, landing in a local "Rehabilitation unit". I went through three weeks of hell, and found myself abandoned by the woman who supposedly loved me. She wanted nothing more to do with me.  I wanted to die. I died emotionally until one day recently, I found DT. I found people there who felt like I did. People with even bigger problems than mine. I found people who accepted me for who I was and what was wrong with me.  I now am an addict…A DT addict. I find helping and listening a way to actually cure myself, and I even though movies and songs still bring tears, I know I’ll be okay. There are still flutterbys, and as long as they keep "fluttering by" my mom is with me. Thanks to all of you, and hope I can help more of you.


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