As I sit here I keep thinking to myself when will it end, when I say "it" I mean my life or this pain that is consuming my life. See recently I have been given ant-depressant medicine which has made me suicidal and very depressed (I was put on it for anxiety) and along with that I have been having some very weird thoughts for instance; wanting to die, dying young, giving up, being buried alive, hell, the world ending, and anything along those lines. So this is a way out, a way to talk to otheres out there that might be struggling with what I am going throught. So if you feel like you did something wrong with your life or that the only answer to stop this would be death then I am the person to talk to.
I am 24 years old living with my mom and her girlfriend, I had my own apartment for a year with my boyfriend but we are wanting to save for a house so back in with the parents we went. I am diabetic and have been for 16 years now and even though I like to pretend I am ok with it, it actually make me feel like I have no control over the future of my life. But lets go back to the subject at hand, I recently went to the doctor for anxiety (both of my parents struggled with it as well) I have never really been an anxious person until recently, it hit my mom about the same age too. They put me on some medicine that made me feel like a whole different person, I woke up feeling more anxious, suicidal, depressed, and to me crazy. I tried to ignore it but the feeling of death was so intense I couldnt deny the fact that something was different. So I immediately called my mom telling her something was wrong and she told me to stay at her house so I did. The next day the feelings became worse I had actually thought about how to do it, I considered slitting my wrists less messy than a gunshot and I have never enjoyed the feeling of being out of breathe so hanging myself so that was out of the question. The thoughts started the day as well which you have never experienced a bad thought until you think you are an absolute failure who deserves to die a slow painful death and then sent to hell. I have never had thoughts like this before soI was immediately terrified and confused. So we rushed me to the ER and they did absolutely nothing except offer to send me to a mental facility to be watched. And I was for surely not going to let that happen so we went home to wait it out to feel normal again, well joke is on me I am now stuck in this rut of depression and suicide which most of the time I cant control. I pretend a lot of the time that I am fine and getting better but mostly I feel like I want someone to put me out of my misery. I cant see a tomorrow without this crap in my head but supposedly it is possible, I just have to be patient and keep working on it. Well my opinion is that is easy for someone who doesnt have thoughts likw this but when it takes all your energy to stop yourself from going to the kitchen and grabbing a knife and slitting my wrists pretty much every day I dont think you can really understand what I am going through. Thats why I am doing this blog looking for other people that I can talk to or get to know that might be going through this or have been through this. Look forward to responses…..Thanks