Feel like it was a mistake telling anyone i was depressed, i thought family would understand or friends. lately it has come up bad, feel like each day may be last. i hate myself mostly and i can barely keep myself. i always keep mask on, even though i already said i am depressed, been to doctor but no luck, seeing psychiatry who has no interest, they still believe i am not depressed. i told them it dint go good at all and what happened but they still think it is a phrase. my oldest sister is saying she is feeling down and depressed, have to start working again for her is depressing, she is just starting up since last year. (december) she always asume that i have somehow cured myself, she thinks i was fine when i given up on meds or docs or what ever therapy failed.
it was my dead sister´s birthday recently, my family put some candles on her grave. i havent visit since last year new years eve, i never went there with anyone cus i dont have the strenght. feel like shit most of the day each day, and my second sister dog understand only. i was trying not to cry hard the other day while watching over the dog when the dog put his paw on me like it was ok. that was the only time i have felt better for the last couple of years, felt like the dog understands how pathetic am i…. each day i supress falling apart so they dont start push me towards doc´s or meds. in this town we may have 1 or 2 good doc´s, rest are shit and therapy or psyciatry never really help cus they either say, we have so many clients or patient that needs atteintion we cant really help you.
rage, sadness and loneliness fills me up each day, it has been growing for so long. i only see my future in 2 ways, suicide or prison psyc ward. i feel so much rage, feel like i am about to express my rage against people. i feel i cant take this anymore, this country is doomed and i would like to let people know fear, showing what people are capable of.
i am fine…………..