Hello, my name is Matt… This is my first time on here. I've never been to a depression forum and I don't know what I'm expecting to get from it. I've been severely depressed for a long time now. I don't even know how to start…
I guess I'll start off with some basic information. You know my name, I'm 22 years old and I live in Arizona. I have bad social anxiety and depression. I'm currently taking two meds regularly which seem to help with the anxiety somewhat, but not with my depression; I'm on Paxil(Paroxetine) and Ativan(Lorazepam). I saw a psychologist for a while and it didn't really help. I have no hobbies to speak of and I spend most of my free time in bed.
I want to be completely honest here… I'm just…so depressed…. it is affecting my daily life. I constantly think about killing myself and have gotten really close to going for it a few times. The only reason I haven't been able to go through with it, is my girlfriend Laura. I know that this sounds pathetic and creepy, I think so too. She's really the only thing that I have in this world that I care enough about to not leave behind. I don't care about my family and I have no friends.
I suppose if anyone is reading this, they will want to know my reasons for wanting to kill myself. Well, it's simple really… I hate life; not my life specifically, but life in general. I see no point in me being here and I don't want to keep going through life knowing it will end anyway, it just seems so pointless. It depresses me to know that so many people don't realize just how pointless life is. I guess sometimes I wish I could feel the same way that they do, but I just can't. I've spoken to many people and they all say the same things and none of it helps. I know that nobody can make me feel better with talking. I've tried doing things like excersizing or finding something to do, but it always ends in me being unmotivated due to the pointlessness of it all. I work as an electrician and get by my life okay, but it's just not enough. I want this feeling to go away and consider death an easy way out. The only other solution I've been able to come up with is medication. The medication that I'm currently taking does little to nothing to affect my mood and I want something that will basically numb all feelings I have. I would rather feel nothing at all than this thing inside me.
I don't know what else I can say here.. but.. just please try to help me in some way….. I don't know how, but I just.. need help.