I have not written on this blog for many months now. I felt I was getting depressed. But I have reached a stage where my OCD has gotten very severe again. My therapist says that just like depression I will have good years and bad years, with the OCD. The last year has been particularly bad.
Anyway I said I would write about my problem, and see if you can help me overcome it.
Mondays are the worst day for me, when I am at work, the OCD and anxieties flare up, and I start thinking I should not be here, that I should be at home.
I guess it doesn’t help that I do not like this job, and I feel that I won’t get promoted, without a miracle. Experience and years of service, don’t count for much anymore, it is all about ass kissing, and it helps if you have college degrees. So I am constantly stressed here. The more stressed I am the worse the OCD get, the worse the OCD gets, the more stressed I get.
Tomorrow, I am back to see the shrink, and I am worried about what clothes to wear. I know I have to work on beating the OCD myself, and I need to do that by ignoring the thoughts. But I am so used to putting my clothes into the wash after going to places that make me feel uncomfortable. Hopefully if I keep my jacket on, the shirt I put on clean today, I can still wear on Wednesday, I like to try to get 3 days out of the shirt. But the trousers I am not sure about. I get upset if someone else sits on my chair in work, so I feel very uncomfortable, wearing these trousers at the clinic, and the back into work the next day. But I planned for this; I have been wearing these trousers for nearly 2 weeks now, so time to wash them anyway.
See the way I am, I am so obsessed by what I am wearing or what touches what that I am thinking ahead, to manage it. But because that is going on, I cannot plan anything else. I should be preparing for an interview, but cannot. And yes, it is disturbing my work at times. When I get obsessed, it builds up in my head, until I have to do whatever. I sometimes find I am sitting doing nothing for 10-15 minutes, because I am thinking should I take my lunch out of my bag now or later. Because if I do so now, I need to wash my hands.
The latest issue now, is the photocopier, I do not like filling it up with paper, so I worry that when I print of something the paper will run out, and I will have to open it up and refill it. I never had that problem before. It only started in the last few weeks. Today, it happened, the paper ran out as I was printing. I took what was printed and walked away. A young lad sitting near to it walked over to it, saw something was wrong and refilled it. My stuff started printing again, but I was not sure which pages he touched so I put the top and bottom of my pile into the bin, put the papers on my desk, then went and washed my hands.
That was the first time I done something like that, yes I think a few weeks ago, I put paper into the printer, and washed my hands after, but that was a new stage.
If people come over to my and lean on my desk with their hands, I clean down that after later. One guy sat on my desk last week, and I wiped the area down 3 times, twice with baby wipes and at the end of the day with a wet tissue, before using a dry tissue to dry the area off.
This Thursday or next Tuesday, I have interview training in town. The place is 30 minutes’ walk from here. There is no parking nearby, and I do not want to get the bus and then sit in my car. So I hope it doesn’t rain that day. Again I am thinking of wearing an old pair of trousers that day, and just throwing them into the wash when I get home. Even if there was a taxi organised, I probably won’t take it.
New problem, just arrived a few minutes ago, someone came over to talk to me, and leaned against the window sill where my lunch bag is. Now I noticed this morning the ropes of my bag hanging down, but i ignored it. But this guy leaned against the wall and my bag. I am now trying to see if I can clean down the ropes/string, with wet wipes without anyone noticing.
My brother is a biologist, but works in another country, so i do not see him much. But I spoke to him about the OCD this morning and he says there is nothing to worry about, that just because i touch something or something touches my clothes, i do not need to keep washing. But i am struggling to fight the complusions.
Has anyone out there beaten this? How did you do so?