i thank those of you who commented on my last post…i really to appreciate it.  i was just starting to get over the last obsession when last night…my family and i were walking down the street of a promenade mall.  My 5 year old daughter wanted to hang on my arm.  wanting to be a good and normal dad, i let her.  i pulled her up with my right arm…..like an arm curl.  she was hanging on with both arms.  When i pulled her up she pulled her feet up and wrapped herself around my arm..her private area was against my arm.  i moved my wrist downward….like an extension.  i don't know why.  it all happened so fast.  maybe to push her away…maybe to see if that area was what was against my arm….and of course…..the anxiety provoking thought…what if it was on purpose to do something sexual with her.  i know i don't want to do something sexual with her EVER….but that is what the fear is telling me.  i pull her up often and she doesn't normally pull herself up like that.  i keep going over and over it in my head to remember exactly what happened.  i can't come up with anything perfect.  i remember i think that as soon as i noticed it i put her down quick.  it made me angry at her…but really more at myself.  I hate ocd so much….it tries to ruin everything.  but why is there that feeling like i did something wrong.  did i?  even if a sexual thought popped into my head…i know it's unwanted and must be ocd.  maybe my arm just did some kind of instinctive jerk or something…i'm not sure.  Did i do something wrong?  is it just ocd?  can a split second movement cause you to do something wrong.  i just need help with this…i sure did ruin my mini vacation. 

1 Comment
  1. her_ocd 12 years ago

    hello, you know what really helped me with ocd was reading the book Brain Lock, Even if you have to read it over and over again it will provide the reassurance that you so desperetly need. One of the things that is helping me now is telling myself that i don't have to keep reacting to these awful thoughts with that terrible panic that they cause each time they reccur. i know what they are and that it's just a false alarm.  easier said, but i want to let you know that you are OK. You are a good dad, that loves your daughter very much that is why you are so worried and concerned. this is a very painful type of ocd, but we can get past it!   Good Luck!

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