I'll have to start by saying that this is something I never thought I'd blog about. I have a separate blog on Blogger.com, which is full of my silly rants, commentary on bad commercials, and experiences with my writing (I'm currently working on my first novel), but I'd never dream of mentioning anything about the crazy thoughts that go on inside my head there. I'm really not ready to share that with my family and friends at large. As far as I know, most of them look at me as a little quirky, but otherwise completely normal, and I don't want that to change. My cousin blogs about his battles with OCD and addiction, and I really admire that he's able to be so open with it. I'm not quite that brave, or that willing to share, I guess. The only people I feel I can be completely open with are those who share the condition (and admittedly, don't know me in "real" life).

I've battled with OCD off and on since childhood. From what I've read of others' experiences, it's somewhat common for OCD to "flare up" at times and subside at others – I had a struggle with it in junior high school, then it left me alone almost completely until college. Now I go through a bout of a month or two each year where I do battle with it. I also suffer from crippling anxiety at times, and I'm really not sure whether the OCD causes the anxiety, or the other way around. Right now my main preoccupation is with harmful and destructive thoughts. I'll have a random thought about harming someone I know, and I'll obsess over it for the rest of the day because I think I must be a truly horrible person to even let a thought like that enter my head. I do battle with myself in my mind, asking myself, "Was I really thinking of doing that?" It doesn't seem to matter whether or not I'd actually act on any of the thoughts. To me, it's bad enough that they're there. I don't want them there. I feel like I must be some sort of psycho to have all these horrible thoughts plaguing me all the time. It varies from actual harm to just breaking something for no good reason. I won't even be angry, it's just a thought about destroying something. It still frightens me that I have thoughts like that, and I think the fear and the obsessive nature of OCD just makes them pile one on top of the other until I look at every moment in my life and imagine the worst possible thing that could happen.

I also have a very big fear of "going crazy." I question every thought I have. I worry that I'll lose my grip on reality. I also wonder sometimes if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. A mess of "what ifs" fill my mind. What if I become too scared to leave the house? What if I start to think that aliens are controlling my brain? What if I become paranoid that somebody is following me everywhere? I'll make a mental checklist of things that I somehow think would qualify me as insane, and I overwhelm myself to the point where the answer to every question is "I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!" Somewhere underneath all my worrying, I'm pretty sure I still know what's real, it's just that sometimes it gets lost behind this dreamlike haze I feel like I'm in most of the time. If I had just one wish I could have granted for the rest of my life, it'd be not to live inside my head anymore. I tend to think that my problem is that I just plain think too much. Even reassuring myself that I still know what's real and what isn't doesn't always help. I figure that I'm going to worry myself to the point where my brain finally wears out and caves in on itself one day. After all, what's the difference between anxiety and paranoia? I once heard somewhere that there's really no bridge between neurosis and psychosis, and that it's not possible to jump from one to the other. But for every logical thought I have, the anxiety jumps in and attempts to argue. The fear that I'll actually become afraid of illogical things runs in a vicious circle. If I have a fear that I'm suddenly going to fear a completely ridiculous and illogical thing, am I not then afraid of that thing?

Whew. I have to stop before I really start to tie my head in knots. Is what I'm describing classic OCD, or something else entirely?