It seems to me that the possibility of somebody loving me is ziltch; nada; there is no possible way. Hell, I mean I could've told you that years ago. The fact that people actually think lying and saying they "love" me will get them somewhere, it's quite frustrating. I've tried desperately to believe in the idea of love. I actually found myself strung up in it. I let him break my walls down, and look at where that got me.


But, it was perfect while it lasted..well, as perfect as something can get. There were flaws, but I cherished every moment. And I actually let myself believe he loved me. Shocker.
They told me not to hate the player, to hate the game. Truth was, I hated both. I chose to let my guard down, and low and behold, it was the wrong option. Hearts are fragile things, and can be torn apart, ripped to shreds, and stitched up just to get shattered again. I spent months building walls around my heart; turning off my emotions. And to think that some guy ruined all of that with just one look? It scared me beyond repair. And, granted, I enjoyed his attention. I craved his attention. He made me feel human- alive, even. But I knew my little fairy tale was too good to be true.

All good things come to an end.

And in the end, after a year and a half of night-long phone calls, weekends tangled together, nights spent looking at the stars, "I love you"s thrown about, and about a million pressure-sessions later, he threw me away. I wouldn't put out, so he sealed his heart and sent mine packing. No amount of chocolate, ice cream, or love-speckled movies could fix the battlefield that was becoming my heart. I was used to getting shot down, put down, and thrown out- but not by someone out of my family I loved. It seemed impossible for my world to revolve.

That's the funny thing about love- you're unconditionally happy with them and don't want to go on without them, and you think you know they won't leave you, and don't regret a thing, until they send you crashing down an emotional tunnel without a light. Why does everybody want it so bad? I'll give you a hint- it's not the latter of the two.

My heart is in ruins. And it is in desperate need of saving. It needs a hero.


                                                                                            Sanely Yours,



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