Today my therapist asked me what I thought when I looked at myself in the mirror. I told him that my mind says unkind things to me. I tell myself I'm not worthy of the great life I have been given, that I am worthless, and every day I see someone in my reflection that I hate.
This is the first time I have ever expressed to someone the self hatred I have been carrying for years. He suggested that I tell myself, out loud, positive things to counteract my negative thoughts when I look at myself. At first the mere idea seemed silly to me, but then he said something that made sense. He told me that we are not born loving or hating ourselves. The experiences we go through and the things surrounding us help shape our self image. If it can be shaped into a negative life based on what we hear, why can't it be reformed into something positive? It's what he calls a paradime shift.. I think.
This will be step one in my process to learning how to love myself and, hopefully, to becoming happy one day. Honestly I'm skeptical about this because my own opinion about myself has never really mattered to me. What people say has always had a bigger impact on me than I've ever let anyone know. The amount ofhate I have for myself will not go away just by simply complimenting myself. I don't know what it will take to make the shift, but I think it will require a hell of a lot more than that.
Since I am currently in the process of switching medicationsI have been slowly decreasing the amount of the current pills I'm on so I can get started on the new ones. As a result I've been feeling very low. I don't go out and when I'm at home I stay on my room. Nothing seems important anymore. My grades are slipping, my anger is spiraling out of control, and I'm losing touch with my friends. I think my self hatred stems from the fact that I'm depressed. I get so angry and frustrated that I can't just be like everyone else and because of that, I'm sad. My therapist says that depression is often just anger reflected inward, I believe him on that one.
It feels good to blog about this. To get my feelings and concerns out into the world without the fear of being judged. I am so thankful for finding this website.