I’ve had a crap day. I mean it could have been worse. It can always be worse.  But today I didn’t really do anything but feel anxious and do everything to distract myself from the anxiety. I’ve been feeling bad about my self worth. I’ve been just eating YouTube and stewing in my brain. I want to get up and dye my hair and clean the kitchen and work on my art but I feel like shit so I sit and watch YouTube or Netflix and zone out.

We are hella behind on bills and rent and my Husband is working his ass off to catch up, and because of my anxieties over work and workplaces and work socializing and dealing with clients and callers and customers and managers and fellow employees and what ever I still can’t get out there and get a job. It’s been almost 8 years and I still panic and crumble when I even open up a job search website.

The last place I worked was hell. It was a call centre that got bought out by an American company that didn’t understand Canadian labour law and hated unions. They made things so bad that almost every one quit. I was a shop steward. I wanted to hang on as long as I could to try to make things at least a little better for my coworkers. I took on more responsibilities and became a supervisor and quality control agent and captain of the health and safety committee. That was all fine. It was a lot of work but no one else was doing it. I never signed on to do any of that stuff until they’d asked almost every one else. But it was being a supervisor that sucked the most. Still had to take calls, ok sucks but ok, but I also had to deal with clienTa callinnbin and complaining about problems. If I could have helped them it would have been fine but only management could help them and they’d been left with 5 people to do the work of 20+. They didn’t have time to get to every client complaint. This meant I had to spend most of my evenings on the phone with realtors trying to calm them down while they rant and scream about all the money they are supposedly loosing and how it’s our fault and so much more. It broke me.

I’ve worked fast food with only me and the manager for 10 hours while I’m so sick I should be in the hospital. I’ve worked coffee places that wouldn’t let me use the bathroom. I’ve worked retail during Christmas when every one is frazzled and not really able or not caring to treat other people like people. I’ve been told I need to work harder and do more even after I’ve done everything asked of me and then told that even though I need to do more I can’t do this or that or anything else because it’s some one else’s job. Over opened up a gas station at 5am on the weekends while studying for international baccalaureate exams. I’ve delivered papers at -40c though blowing snow.

I’ve worked my ass off and put my all into every job I had because it was obvious to me that working hard made the work easier in the long run even if no one else worked just as hard. Every job has sucked in some way. Every job has left me feeling dehumanized. I’m a tool for the boss to make more money or customer to get what they want. I’m a cost the boss has to pay out (like pulling teeth) or an obstacle in the way of the customer. I’m not a person at work. I’m not a human doing a Job. Even if they don’t mean to treat employees that way the way every thing is set up they end up treating them that way any way. (Them being bosses, management, coworkers, clients, and customers.)

I can’t take that any more. I’ve spoken to a therapist about this. He got wide eyed and just moved on to dealing with other worries that weren’t really why I was there and then sent me on my way saying I shouldn’t be the kind of person always in therapy.

I’ve done mindfulness meditation and some other things and I have medication, but that all just seems to only be able to get me out of bed on most days. I still have panic attacks and anxiety attacks when trying to look for a job, though I only try that when I’m feeling like I can try which is maybe a few times a year.

I hate this. I want this to stop. I’m so tired of not being able to help pay the bills and rent. I don’t know what to do. I hate this so much.