Hi, I’m Darien. I’ve never done this type of thing before, so bare with me. I’m a 19 year old female who has feelings of anxiety, depression, and extreme loneliness. I have never been diagnosed with anything but I genuinely believe that I have, if not one, then both anxiety and depression. I am constantly worrying about everything in my life from my love life, to how I am going to pay my bills. Now, that may seem like general things that adults worry about but my worrying feels like a whole other level of worry. I constantly fear that I’m going to die alone or that I am not going to have any kids & the one thing that I want in life is a child. My fears have gone so far as to having a male friend agree to have a child with me if I am not in a committed relationship or have a child by a certain age. That certain male friend is gay, so there is nothing that will come out of our friendship and he is the only person that I talk to about my anxiety and depression but as time goes on, he seems agitated that I talk about it so much but I can’t help it. If I don’t talk about it with someone, then I will have a complete mental breakdown/anxiety attack. And I don’t want to offend anyone in any way by not being diagnosed with anxiety but still saying that I have it because this feeling isn’t one that just came about. It has been a feeling that I have had for years now. Anxiety and depression run in my family. My grandfather has extreme depression, my grandmother and mother have anxiety and so does my brother, and my sister has depression. And even though they all have those problems, I still feel like I cannot talk to them without feeling like I am crazy, even though they would be the ones I should talk to about it. I think it is something about having a strong front put on to make everyone think that I’m okay so that they aren’t worrying about whether or not I will kill my self. I have had minor suicidal thoughts but I don’t believe that I will ever be able to do it. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want them to think that there was something that they could have done because my stubbornness wouldn’t tell them what was really going on in my head. My fear is that I will get to that point of wanting to actually kill myself but I really don’t want to get there for that exact reason. Now, I didn’t have that horrible of a childhood. I wasn’t beaten or raped or anything serious like that, but my father left when I was 3 and I didn’t see him again until I was about 6 years old and since then it has been on and off. He has been in and out of jail & about 2 years ago, we got into a huge argument and we haven’t spoken since. He moved across the country and didn’t even bother to tell me. Now, I know what you’re thinking ‘you just have daddy issues’ but it goes much deeper than that. I don’t believe that I will EVER have anyone to talk to about any of this, which is why I came here for help/advice. I doubt anyone will reply to this, I know it’s a long shot, but I really am trying. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have insurance so I can’t go to a psychologist without paying a boat load of money that I don’t have and this is like my last resort. I just need some help from someone that understands and has something to say other than ‘you will be fine. You just aren’t trying hard enough to be happy’ because I am. I’m trying my damndest. I’ve been trying for years & I have gotten no where. So here I am. Thank you in advance💜