Ever since I was young I had a acute awareness of my mortality. With every passing year, every passing day, and every passing minute, I was one step closer to the day I die. As a kid I would lay awake at night unable to sleep thinking of what death would be like. Would I continue to exist??? Would I disappear?? Is there a heaven or a hell?? The idea of not existing would frighten me the most. A life of torment would be better than no life at all. Just like the old saying "its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I would think the same holds true about life and existance. Still, the older I get the more I find myself thinking about this subject, yet still longing for an acceptable answer to that ultamate question. I have had panic attacks off and on for about the last 15 years, some were severe lasting hours, and others were mild lasting only a few minutes. My anxiety attacks were not that often, happening about once or twice every other month, and certainly nothing I could not deal with. Once I hit my mid 30's however, the attacks came sooner and more severe. I would not label most of them as anxiety attacks, PANIC would be the better discription. The anxiety that would come every once in a while, is now the daily norm. I wait for the panic that I know will come. The fear of an attack during work, or in public. God I hate when it happens in public!! It is so embarrassing!!! The fear comes out of nowhere sometimes. I will just be going on about my day, then I will have a heart palpitation, followed by an uneasy feeling in my chest. Then my left arm feels weird. My breathing becomes shallow, and I start to be aware of my heartbeat. Will it stop??? Will I die right here in front of everyone?? Will I look like a fool afterward?? I am so scared when it happens. You hear about people dying out of the blue, just dropping dead of cardiac arrest. These attacks have sent me to the hospital several times, once by ambulance. They kept me in the hospital the last time checking my heart, and checking my brain. They did an echocardiogram, and a stress test which both came back normal. They did a ct scan and x ray of my head, which came back normal. They dismissed me and said there was nothing wrong with me and prescribed me medication for anxiety. I will not take the medication because I do not want to get addicted to it, an do not want to use it as a crutch. I keep having the attacks, no matter how much I tell my self that its just in your head man. I want to conquer this without drugs, but I am begining to give in to the thinking that I might have to start taking my medications. The physical symtoms are what do me in. I can not deal with the way my body feels when I have a panic attack. The weird feeling in my chest and arms. The dizziness and the heart palpitations, those are the worst. My wife thinks I am being a wuss, which makes matters worse. I can not help that swich that just turns on and brings the panic with it. I hope to be able to control it soon. I need to be able to live with this thing and not let it control my every waking thought. Until then I will live with this uneasy feeling and hope that I can keep the panic at bay.

1 Comment
  1. Gemnishaft 10 years ago

    I like that notion. \”we all have to die sometime\”! Everyone I have heard say that has never had to face down death. The terminally ill do reach a level of acceptance, but its at the moment they die, when they are looking around the room, trying to focus on something, anything, they realize just how scared they are. They realize just how much they want to live. At the point when life is just about to slip away, thats when you realize how much you want to live. Everyone is scared when they die. Anyone who says different is lying.

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