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Im Aaron. Ive never really opened up too much about myself online or anything. its sortof hard to. All the while I\'ve had these problems I\'ve just sortof had to deal with them.

 

My ol mama would say things like "just deal with it". And i know that sounds messed up. But it was some of the best advice ive ever gotten. My head can run in several directions at the same time (hate, fear, regret, anguish, spite, resentment, whatever). And of all the people in the world im probably the last person to say things like "feelings are just feelings" or "go with the flow, roll with the punches".

When i first heard that kinda stuff i was appauled at how insensitive it sounded. But, for me, I can complain and kick and scream and throw things all i want. God knows i have. But it never changes anything. Altematums, resolutions, threats. All that changes for me.

 

Don\'t get me wrong. I still do kick and scream,. punch holes in walls, pound the floors of my apt, cry, threaten god that when i see him i\'m going to…

 

But Its like, the worst thing i can do is, make that worse.. When i add to it. When i drown myself in my own self centeredness and indulge in it almost is when im just throwing wood on the fire. Not sure many will understand me on this. But its funny i should say that because ultimately what im saying didn\'t come from me. It didnt originate from me. People have told me this stuff to help. And it didnt matter that it told them "yeah i know" or "man i see what you mean". It mattered most when i was experiencing it and i made the choice not to involve myself. It was my understanding rather than me being understood that counted. It was me letting go of my opinion of the situation or sticking my hands in it.

 

There is a fine line but after a while it became more visible. In the heat of things, cursing, stomping, crawled up in a feetle position on the floor begging god to help me; it just happened. There was no deeper meaning or justifiable means for blame towards anyone (including myself) If I really wanted to I could find somebdoy to blame or find some sortof "reasons" why. But none of that stuff helps me.

 

I dont know if im helping or just confusing anyone reading this but overall, for me (really, for me), I\'ve been at my best at my worst times. Just being a little honest with myself. being bare. But erm anyways I do hope this helps somebody even if its only someone.

 

Aaron

 

Iim not really sure what  a blog is but I wanted to add a bit more so sorry if editing isnt a regular part of it.

 

I just wanted to say that even though I was all like "Gawd is a big ol blah blah", I do shake hands after my episodes of agner. lol And im saying that because its relevent to the point not because Im worried what everyone thinks of my views on uuh God (higher power, whatever)

 

Just like when im upset at myself for making the descisions i did when i was younger or even that day. Thoughts and feelings that add to the series of dominos when im having an anxiety attack or when im depressed. Afterwards, it is what it is. And i cant allow that stuff to stick.

 

(i edited out the swears. I\'m not really the swearin type anyway.)

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