While I have been a memeber here for about 3 years I have spent most of my time on the depression side, and haven't written a blog here (that I remember).My job allows me lots of time to think and self examine, which is sometimes good sometimes not so much. I have come to realize that I have spent pretty much my entire life in a state of anxiousness. Sometimes extreme to the point of not being able to leave my house, and other times just my normal nervous. I spent at least 15 years on anti depressant, most of which I see now was actually caused by anxiety.
i grew up in a time where nice folk didnt talk about things like depression or anxiety. Everything was sunshine and lollipops. My life was anything but. My mother tried to kill herself when I was 4, my father tried when i was 13. Both were alcoholics. Both held down full time jobs and my mother especially worked very hard to hide our dirty little secrets. Bless her. My father was physically and verbally abusive to my mother and brother, but I was spared that. I beleive my brother resents me to this day because dad didnt hit me. I cant bring myself to tell him that he abused me just not that way. So we dont speak much. Both my parents are gone, and while I have come to terms with things that happened, I bear the emotional scars to this day. I am as close to being alone in the world as I ever want to be. My 2 children and 2 grandchildren are really all I have for family and I thank God for them everyday, but I miss being a part of a bigger unit. My ex-husbands relations were my family, but… well he got them in the divorce along with most of our friends. Starting over his hard so very hard.
I cant recall a time in my life where I wasnt scared or anxious. My earliest memory is being in a room with a man, and being terrified of him. I dont know who he was or why I was scared, but my heart races and pounds over 40 years later when i think about it. Recently I visited an anxiety self help site that listed a multitude of signs and symptoms for anxiety sufferers. I have or have had pretty muchall of themat some point in time. In some ways I like the idea of being anxious better than depressed. I mean if I had to chose I would chose anxiety. Why? to me the anxiety i have is caused by past experiences, by trauma suffered as a child and young adult. The depression I was told was a chemical imbalance of my brain beyond my control. And if there is one thing I hate, itis not being in control!! lol Maybe just maybe now that I have a better understanding of what I have (I already know why) I might be able to put it in my past. Maybe in time I will be able to walk into a room full of people and not feel like my heart might explode. Maybe I will be able go to a movie by myself, or do anything alone for that matter. Imagine the freedom of being able to eat alone in a restruant, and not be sick afterward. What heaven it would be to not have to pretend everyday that I am not freaking out. Very few people know me, most people think I am a friendly outgoing person haha, if they only knew how very difficult it is for me to pretend to be her. Even writting this is hard, my heart rate is well over 100 and it is hard to breathe and my hands are shaking so bad I keep hitting the wrong keys. But someday I will be the me everyone thinks I am. I hope. 🙂 This is me but I am ever hopeful that will change.