How is it that no matter what i say i always say it wrong? I hate talking to peoples and talking to him is the worst becaue he cares. I love him and i want him to be happy but i'm always wondering if he wants to be with me. It's like he's only here because of Michael (our son) then other times i think he wants to leave because i'm not enough and i will never make him happy. he says i dont try in our relationship and he's prob right i dont try very hard because i dont know how. I dont want anything sentual any more i'm not interisted in romance like i used to be. I just want to be alone but i'm always home with my son. I love him but sometimes i wonder what would have happed and i get mad because i dont know if i want to be a mother. Yes it's nice and when he smiles up at me it's like it's all going to be ok. But i feel like i regret having him and it's all selfish because i hate everything and it's all my own fault. I know this sounds sooo pathetc and i'm only complaining and i'm stupid and thoughtless but well i guess i am. Im lost without him and i dont know what to do when i'm with him. He works during the day and when he gets home i dont want anything to do with him. I want to go out. I want to be with my friends but spending his money on  something so selfish seems soo wrong i had to get some clothing items the other day, and dont have any money i hate having to ask. I love working i love the freedom it gives me and the feeling like i'm helping. I  hate my life laitly and i'd just rather them all be happy without me. My son wouldn't have to know what a srew up i am and HE wouldn't have to deal with me any more… It would be easier on them all. I'm sorry i'm complainging. I dont know what to do and i know "talkt to him" but thats just it i dont know how! i choke up and when i want to say something it comes out wrong and we only fight. i wish he would leave me sometimes. He would be happyu. I sometimes wish he would cheet on me because he would be happy and have what he wants. I hate thinking about it and i feel like crap and jelous when i think about him being with someone else. It sucks.!! HELP


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