My name is Erin. I am currently 17 years old. I want to let you know my story and what I have gone through because I hope it can help someone or someone won’t feel like they’re alone.

Most of my problems started in middle school. I was bullied for being overweight and was having problems with my self image. I didn’t know what “good friends” were so I spent my time around kids who didn’t really care about me and just wanted to know my personal life to make fun of me later about it.

Once I hit high school I started to become fake and pretend to be someone everyone would like, because I thought people wouldn’t like me if I were myself. I made a lot of friends and finally thought I belonged. Then my group of friends dropped me because I was “too fat”. So then I started to have a slight eating disorder. Binging and purging mixed with bulimia.

That’s when I met this group of 8 girls who decided they would talk to me. This was the start of my sophomore year. They went to every football game and were in every club. They smoked a lot and pressured me to smoke but I managed to make myself the designated sober one so I could make sure no one did anything stupid.

One Friday night, they decided to smoke in the forest behind our football field. I was going to be the lookout so I sat in front of the forest and watched for teachers while they went into the forest and got high. I was alone. In the dark. Only the faint lights of the football field were helping me see what was going on. I was so far away I could barely hear the crowd chants. I forgot how far away the forest was from the football field so I assumed no one else would come and find us, but some people did.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning ⚠️  ⚠️  Five guys walked up to me, I was sitting, and they asked me vague and weird questions. The next thing I knew I was on the ground being assulted by these guys. I tried to get out but the held a knife to my throat and used parts of my ripped leggings to prevent me from screaming. I blacked out only to awaken to another guy inside me. I felt myself leave my body and watch as I tried to fight back but they were too strong. Once they were done they walked away laughing and high fiving each other. I laid there for around 30 minuets until I slowly pieced together my closed and limped to the school. I snuck in the back and rushed to my locker ignoring the pain coursing through me. I quickly put on some sweatpants and a sweater that I kept in case I got cold in class. And I went to the bathroom, took some paper towels and cleaned all the blood off of me.

I was a virgin.

The next month was a battle field of me covering up my bruises and cuts with makeup and excuses. I tried to forget it happened. The more I tried the worse I got. The anxiety started to kick in. I would get threatened in the halls by them. See them in the stores and have to remember what they did. I was choked out after school one time by them. I was terrified. I told no one. My friends realized how I was acting weird and left me. I was alone. Depression started to coil inside and I started to have symptoms of PTSD. i didn’t tell anyone for a year. I tried to kill mysef, OD’ing and sent to the hospital. Twice. Then I finally told my mom and got a therapist and psychiatrist. But my anxiety made me have attacks to point of me passing out behind the wheel. My flashbacks and night terrors were killing me inside. So I went to a residential treatment center and left semi-fixed. I have a service dog now for my PTSD, anxiety, depression, and hypervigilece. I’m not better and I’m working everyday. But I’m trying. And you should too. This isn’t the end. And it will never be the end until nature says it is.

1 Comment
  1. sandyvee 3 years ago

    Im so happy that you’re working towards living a positive life. That experience isn’t your fault. i hope you know that. We have to think about how someone else always has it worse than we do. I battle with my anxiety everyday it seems like these days. Some days I don’t notice it until Im at the point of a panic attack. I don’t pass out. (hope this never happens) I do make myself vomit, get numb, wake with horrible headaches, stiff necks, and so on…
    Right now, writing to you makes me feel slightly better.

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