So my Auntie Choice died. She was like my grandma because my grandma and Nanny Dora died last year. I don’t know how this happened. She wasn’t sick. She was really lively and like, you know.
It’s not really like I can explain how much I love her. I’m worried though, because I feel really weird. It hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m terrified because it’s like I’m sitting here waiting for it to hit me and I know that when it does it will really hurt and I don’t want it to.
My cousin phoned (her daughter) and she was like "my mum, my mum is dead. my daughter won’t know her grandma… she’s gone…" like this woman, is the most strong confident woman and she was just reduced to this vulnerable child like thing and it’s just so like… whoa.
I thought a blog might distract me a bit and prolong this news hitting me like Hiroshima. I’m starting to panic that it’s not coming and that is impossible because I loved her more than life so how could it not come you know? Am I this unfeeling cold disgusting thing? People die/leave me all the time so I try and make myself not feel so much you know, but it just does not work. I think I’ve spent so long trying to put walls up and stuff that I’ve probably done myself some damage… made me emotionally numb or something. OH GOSH that’s terrifying… This has just been such a shock it’s taking a while to register yeah?
Also, I have this feeling that this will just send my OCD sky rocketing because as I am already panicking about the swine and contamination, this will just get me into a panic about my family and friends. It will mean that I will HAVE to do a compulsion because you know I just can’t risk the consequence. I absolutely cannot. Because the evidence is there. I already see myself thinking… what didn’t you do to stop this? This was your fault wasn’t it? You just couldn’t do what you were supposed to? Like I have responsibilities, I can’t just not do compulsions… ARGH!
To summarise, I want to feel it because I’m scared I’m numb and because how can I not, I loved her. However, I don’t want to feel it because the sadness will suck me in like spiral of depression, or a black hole, or a vortex haha Ironically, I’ve been doing really well recently, revision is going great, exams are coming up and I’ve had very little panics (apart from recent swine and exams panics but you know not bad).