it's weird, in some ways my social anxiety has gotten a lot better. but in some ways has gotten worse. i never went to high school because of it. since then i have improved so much on so many things & i've changed as a person in so many ways. but on the other hand i have been very isolated & gone through some of the worst depression in my life. sometimes i wonder how different things would be if i would have gone to high school. yet this is the way things were supposed to be. i probably wouldn't have met the love of my life. i wouldn't have gotten stronger in my faith. i just don't think i'd be the person i am today. i just have to deal with the other side of it as well. i have to get out of this isolation. i have to be able to drive on my own & get a job & go to school. there are so many things i want to do & need to do. i remember being younger & my dad would always make me order my food at a fast food place or restaurant. i hated that, i felt so self conscious & weird doing that. but because he forced me it became a habit & now is something i have absolutely no problem doing. sometimes i wish people would have pushed me more like that. maybe i would be more independent today… but i can't blame other people. i just have to deal with this now. i just hate it so much that i can't just jump in my car & go anywhere i want. i hate feeling so dependent on other people. i hate how this has ruined so many relationships. i hate how it has ruined so many opportunities. sorry, this analyzing of things has turned into a rant. anyways…i'm just trying to stay focused on the good things in my life & take baby steps toward my goals. 

p.s. my allergies are horrible lately. i keep waking up with a sore throat, a throbbing headache, & congested. my eyes are killing me. i even had a bloody nose last night. grrr. go away.