I have been doing alot of ground work for myself. Really looking at myself and deciding what bad habit I wanted to get rid of. Now I ended up embarrassing myself and the next day I had such Anxiety after.
Let me start from the beginning, So this guy was coming over to hangout right. Watch a movie maybe have a few drinks. He came over we drank, but I was so busy during the day I forgot to eat and I got drunk pretty fast. I don’t remember what set me off or upset me. He left and I was okay with that. I knew I was crying thought. I knew I was upset about something and I’m worried I scared him off. Deep down I have a few things that I am extremely sad about. Things I don’t like to say out loud and I just so happened to be having an emotional day. I wish that wasn’t the case.
I woke up and started to piece things together and I felt really bad. I was so embarrassed and being extremely hard on myself. I didn’t drink as often as I do now a few years ago. So I told myself I’m no longer drinking at home. I’m gonna stop for a while so I can feel normal again. Later on I called my best friend and told her about it what happened. She grounded me for a little while. As soon as I got off the phone with her my chest felt really heavy. My mind kept going to what am I going to do to make this better? Then a few moments later I was like the damage is already done. I wouldn’t want to see me again. I had worked. so hard to heal, grow and understand myself. I was so excited. I was so looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Now I feel as if I messed up.
It took me all day to regulate myself. I was pacing, randomly doing things around the house. I was thinking about it then i would trying to not thinking about it. my hands and legs couldn’t stay still. I was so upset with myself. I turned music on to dance it out a little bit that helped calm my body down but my mind was still circling back to what I could have done, why am I like this? What was I thinking? Why was I so Nervous? What could I have done differently? Will he see me again? Should I message him and tel him sorry? Does this mean I’m not ready? Do I still need time to grow? Do I need to keep working on myself? What does this mean? What am I doing wrong? How can I make these thoughts go away. Maybe I should stop drinking for a while. I need to not be so hard on myself because I am only human, I make human mistakes. I kept telling myself to cut myself some slack.
As my mind is racing, my heart is racing, my chest is tight, my fingers have a mind of their own, my breathing is becoming hard, and I stand there unaware that I am freaking out. after a few moments I bring myself back and try to ground myself. I decided to shower, and listen to my meditation podcast. That helped for the 30 mins that I was in the shower. When I got out I felt a little better. I imagined the water washing away all the bad I caused myself, all the bad thoughts away from my body. Then It happens again a few minutes later.
I hate it, I feel like all logic goes out the window when I panic like that. I have these episodes when I become extremely stressed or scared or worried. It makes me feel like I don’t have control over my feelings, and body. No matter how hard I try to make myself feel normal it takes me 4908 steps and then i’m back at step 2. I’m at work right now, typing this out reflecting. I feel safe at work I guess thats why i’m sharing. I know I can’t have a panic attack here. I know I need to be professional. Here I have structure, a schedule, and expectations.