I have been obsessing ALL DAY LONG. Thinking that Luda is going to hate me… I shouldn't have let her read my stuff. I'm sick to my stomach. It feels like I have to throw up. I just can't stop. I've tried to have a nice chill day and for the most part, physicaly I have, but mentaly it feels like my mind is broken. It feels like my world is crahsing down on me. Everything is going to be ok, right… It'll be ok. 🙁 😐 ???
I've done nothing ALL DAY LONG. Except watch tv, play video games, and listen to music. It doesn't matter what I am doing the thought that she is going to hate me just won't go away.
I opened up to her, more then I have to anyone, in less time then anyone else. And I'm taking a huge risk because I have a hard time trusting people. And I honestly just want to walk away now because I know at some point the thearpy is going to end and that's why I was hesitant to even go anyway after Julie and Christine relocated. It hurt me to the point I was angry with myself, thinking it was my fault, that they didn't like me. And I took it out on everyone I came into contact with for weeks. Which the DBT skills I do know would tell me that isn't true. Is it? Do they hate me too? I hate me. I feel so stupid.
Which I didn't open up to them like I should have, so I can get the help I need. I'm so sick of being like this, it's making feel crazy and out of place. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to be normal. I hate these thoughts. Why do I have them? I don't want to be labled with bipolar too. That's why I just stick to the obsessing and rituals when I go in to talk. If I can control those then maybe these other thoughts will go away…
I have so many fears that people would laugh about, call me crazy, think I am evil, or unfaithful. But I am none of those. I don't want to do them and I don't. I just can't stop myself from thinking those things. I can control my temper 90 percent of the time. I don't punch walls anymore, or cut myself. I still kick things and yell sometimes. But when I am alone I tell myself to STOP being mean out loud, go and say you are sorry. Then I feel like I am a bad person. And I grab something sharp and just poke my skin with it. I don't cut, just poke. One poke to feel the pain on the outside. Or a pinch. Then I cry. Then I fall asleep.
And I am so confused, none of this makes sense to me. And I like things to make sense. I don't like chit chatting, or talking about my feelings. So speaking up makes it even more hard. I'm shy. Off in my own world most of the time.
And this obessing that she is going to hate me even blurred out my other bad thoughts.
I haven't opened the shades because when I looked outside it was snowing. The roads looked bad. Just told myself I didn't have to go anywhere today if I didn't want to. Then I thought about my dad getting into a car accident on his way home from work.
Physicaly I am having a good day… Mentaly not so good. I feel high, floaty, not normal. Stupid anxiety. Stupid thoughts. Stupid me. I feel dead inside. But not in a sad way. In an anxious way. A nervous way. And I tried really hard to avoid writing about it. But I just had to get it out. It's devouring me.