So things have been really bad lately. Like the worse they have been in a very long time. I’m going through a lot of shit right now, and I am not sure how to process it. I am really bad about talking to people and opening up to people about things that are hurting me, effecting me, or bothering me. I can write about it for days, however, actually talking about it? To a therapist, to a friend, to my husband? No, I am just really, really bad at that. Like I am so bad at it, I could write a book on how bad I am at it. Its not that I don’t trust them, or love them, or want them to know what is going on, because that is not the case, maybe its past experience, maybe its just the way I am wired, either way, its something that I just can’t do. However, I need to get it out, I have to get it out, if I keep it bottled up, then eventually I am going to explode, and possibly do something stupid, and we can’t have that happening, so that is why I am here, that is why I am writing, and I’ll keep writing until things get better, and god I hope that happens sometime soon, because I hate how I have been feeling lately, its not a good feeling. So if you are interested in how I am feeling, and what I am going through, then feel free to keep reading, offer support, offer feedback, offer Advice, anything, I am open to it all. I am willing to listen to anything that could possibly make things better, because right now, things are bad, and I hate how they have been.
So since tonight is the 1st night that I am writing, I am not going to go too deep into everything, just scratch the surface, and get anyone who could be reading this up to speed on things. Its a lot, and its not rainbows and butterflies either, so if you have triggers, this might be a good time to stop reading.
So I am 29 years old. I have been Married to the love of my life, John for 2 and a half years, (3 years in April) and we have a beautiful 2 year old Aiden. I can honestly say if it were not for these two, I probably would not be here right now. Things got really bad about 3 weeks ago, and needless to say the thought of taking my life crossed my mind a time or two, however I have a beautiful son who I love more than I can put into words, and he deserves to have his mommy around while he grows up, no matter how fucked up she may be.
Last year my grandmother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. It was stage 2, and she started Chemo & radiation. She fought hard, really hard, and she went into remission. Just before our family vacation in July, we found out that her cancer came back, and it was bad, it had spread to her liver, and brain. She has began treatments again. She is still fighting, and fighting hard, however they told her that its not a cure. They will treat her until she says enough is enough. My grandmother has not given up, or shown any glimpse of giving up. Its taking a toll on her, but her spirit is still strong. Her strength amazes me. However my mother (her mom) has decided to go assist in her, as my grandfather is beginning to show symptoms of early deminta, and her diabetic neuropathy, and has a hard-time doing day to day things, so they need the assist. So my dad who has worked for Costco for almost 25 years has finally got a transfer over to the other Coast of Florida to move in with them and assist them. However our lease is not up until January so we will be staying living in this house, until then. Let me explain our living situation at the moment. We have a 3 bedroom house with a den & a 2 bathroom. In the house we have my Mom & Dad, my Brother & his new Wife, my Husband, my son, two dogs & 2 cats, (soon to be 1 cat 🙁 ) Its tight, but its livable. Now I work Thursday – Monday with Tuesday and Wednesday off from work, and work from 10:00am-7:00pm. My husband works the same shift. My brother, sister-in-law, and mother have weekends off, and my dad has Tuesdays and Sundays off from work. My Son goes to my mother-in-law & Father-In-Law’s house on Monday, Thursday & Friday, and my mother watches my son on Saturday, and they all watch him on Sunday. We are with Aiden on Tuesday and Wednesday. Aiden doesn’t go to Day care, he had a baby sitter where he went twice or 3 times a week when he was with other kids, however that turned out to be a very bad experience (I’ll explain that sometime, I’m sure, because its something that really bothers me) So with my Mother & Father Moving over to the other side of the State I am down a baby sitter. I’m really not a spot financially, to put him in day-care, so I am looking for a private baby-sitter for the weekends, since I do not see me getting a weekend off shift at work (Despite being there for five years) however I am being very wary due to my last bad experience with a private baby-sitter. I don’t have a whole lot of time to find one, as my parents are moving October 8th. So that is one big stress in my life. Aiden has been with my parents pretty much since coming home from the Hospital. Every night before he goes to bed, he must give meme & poppa kisses goodnight and hugs tight tight before he will even entertain the thought of bedtime. I know its going to be a big adjustment for him, and I am worried how he is going to adjust to the big change. I am worried about my Grandmother, and worried every single day when the phone rings and its her that its going to be my last conversation with her. I don’t see them as much as I want to, sure its only a 3 hour car ride, but with everything else it just hasn’t been getting done. I miss them both. Next to my Husband, the people I am closest to, is my grandparents and I am so scared.
Another big thing, that I want to scratch the surface tonight, the big thing that has been causing this recent lapse in depression (apart from being off my meds for a few weeks and starting to feel the effects of that, would be the fact that on 9/11/2018 I was arrested for driving on a suspended license. I was driving to the hospital, which is only a few miles from my house, and I got pulled over because the plates were expired. I have been caught driving on a suspended license a few times, and have always just paid the fines and got my license valid. Well due to being a habitual offender, my license was revoked, and I couldn’t get a real license until 5/25/2020. I have not been driving next to at all for the past five years since the license was revoked, because I knew that if I got caught it would be very bad, however that morning I woke up with chest pain, and with my son sick I didn’t want to take him to the ER with me, so my husband stayed home with him, and I was just going to hospital. Like I said it was less than 5 miles from the house, I thought I would be okay, I followed all the street laws. Not speeding, stopping at the stop signs, no reckless driving, however they saw the tag, and saw it was expired and pulled me over. I was arrested right there. Now I am almost 30 years old, and I have never been arrested before. It is something that I never ever ever want to go through again, because that was the worst experience of my life. I could not stop crying, I was with the roughest of people that I have ever been around. I was there for a good six hours. I was so lucky that I was able to make bond and get out. I go down to the court house this week to see if its even possible to get my license. I have court on 10/15/18, if I can get some-kind of license before then, they will drop the charges, I will pay some fines, and then this will be in the past, however if I can’t get my license, I am not sure what is going to happen. I am so stressed out it.
I wrote a lot for tonight, there is so much I want to write, but I worked all day, and I just do not have the strength to sit here for six hours and just write and write, plus who would want to read six hours worth of rants from my brain? So I think this is the perfect time to stop, at least for tonight.