I’m home. unexpecded. Called mom today, had nervous breakdown. I…I felt awful, I was sick and tired of putting myself out there, about no one caring about me. All the people at school, they all expect things of me, and….I just couldn’t take it compounded with schoolwork stress.
Went out wed to the bar…it was emily’s birthday. Me her and kait went for "a few drinks" somehow ended up staying till 2. Woke up on the couch of a guy friend’s appartment. Had no idea how I got there. Went home, came back to hang out with friend, george to recap night that we do not both remember. Drunk till at least 9pm the next day. Things were fun, but out of hand. I feel like I have missed so much of life after taking the last semester off. THis partying is my attempt to catch up. It must stop. I am afraid about what others think about me em and kait for getting so drunk and ridic.
Woke up this morning, couldn’t take it, did not feel safe…not like I was going to kill myself but I felt like something awful was about to happen. Completely on edge. Hysterical, crying, thinking I was going to die, wanting to die to just get the misery over with. All alone at college and I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. Mom paid for emergency flight home for weekend. Feel awful for causing her the expense, don’t knnow what to do. Don’t want to go back. Don’t want to drop out( read fail) again. I want life to feel normal and safe, but I feel like every step I make could be my downfall. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to make things better. Everything zooms past me, I need time to stop and think but it all passes me by. I can’t stop it and I can’t catch up. Don’t want this. Don’t know how this will work out.