I am fucking pissed right now, I don't eve fucking care anymore. I've not been this depressed in so long. I actually cut in a visible spot last night, and not just my legs or stomach like I normally do. I can't say it out loud because I don't want to upset/hurt anymore, but I am so fucking depressed, that I wish I never fucking woke up this morning. I literally wish I was just dead, because honestly, what's the fucking point anymore. I feel so alone, and feel like the world is against me. I've two people keeping me alive and together right now, but maybe once they see just how fucking messed up I am right now, maybe they will walk away too. My parents are basically giving me a month to get out, and I've no idea to where to even begin to work. I have a job that I love but that doesn't pay enough, and I've no license or car. Yeah, my life is so worth living. I just want to give up. I've no idea what I am going to do.
Its almost 12:30 in the morning, and I am at work, the urges to cut are so fucking strong, John says he is there for me, and that I am not alone, but I can't help but feel like I still am alone, because I feel trapped inside my head with all the thoughts telling me what a terrible person I am, and that one day soon John is going to open up his eyes, and realize that I'm not the girl he thought I was. I feel like if I were not to show up to work, no one would notice, and if I were to not wake up in the morning, everyone in my life would be better off without me.
I can't help the way I feel, I can't stop the thoughts that are in my head, and I sure as hell can't talk about it to anyone, because I know deep down they will judge me, I mean how can I go to someone, whom I love, and I feel close to them, and tell them I just want to die, that I just want to slide the razor hard enough across my wrist or my leg to make me bleed to death, I can't tell anyone that. I've to carry this weight around with me, because I can't talk about this kinda stuff to anyone. The only way for me to get this out is by writing, and even then it scares me, because someone who thought I was this strong person will read these words that I am pouring out from my soul, and they will see me differently.
The last thing I want is to be seen as this weak girl, who can't handle life or her thoughts, and all she can do to deal with them, is to slide a sharp razor across her skin I am just in a really dark place right now, and I can't even begin to tell anyone, because I know if anyone where to know what I think about, and what I feel on a daily basis they will see me differently, they will realize how fucked up I am. I try and smile and I try and laugh, and I have amazing friends, and they do help, at least for a little bit.
I am really good at pushing people away I have realized this more and more over the past month or so, and I really how amazing I am at putting on a fake mask and acting like I am fine, when really I am so far from it. I just really think about dying, like I've no plan but if I were to just die, I honestly feel like the world would be better off without me.