Had an episode yesterday, don't remember why. Trying not to think about it, seems I block out every memory the best I can, reject my past and only focus on the future. Anyways, I felt this need for control, so I grabbed a safety pin (& my lighter), pierced my left ear 3 times. And, honestly, though I did a crappy job on one of the piercings, it looks good. Cute.
I also grabbed 3 fistfuls of Advil and swallowed them right down, leaving me drugged [in this hangover-feeling way] for the past 12 hours.
Don't know why I have to abuse simple pills like that, why I also felt the compulsive need to. Back when I was…13-14, I swallowed nail polish remover, hairspray, and insect repellent. Age 14 [mainly,] I'd overdose regularly on ibuprofen & motrin.
In the future, assuming I haven't offed myself by then, my liver will be extremely damaged, weak. I may have lost the…nerves(?) in my left arm.
I'm becoming bulimic. Every so often, I throw up-but this is how my cutting started-only doing so a little bit at a time, until it accelerates and gets out of hand.
The need for control and freedom is so fierce…yet it still "abides the [laws."]
I never run away because there's no where to go, and it's illegal. Just like my doubt in love, I doubt I'd get away with it. That's reality. So it causes a huge mess in the long run-not like what I'm doing to myself isn't a huge mess.
I searched around, found out that psychologists that hear of sexual abuse are obliged by law to report it. That's probably scaring off my dad. Of course, there's no way to prove it-the abuse has been within 20 years, but it'd take a long process to take care of legally, and by then-I'll have escaped into the freedom of adulthood at age 18. It's best to keep quiet, unless it starts up again, [though I doubt it will.]
Though, honestly, I'm scared. I've continued having dreams-not night terrors, considering night terrors would contain the emotional feeling of fear [though, there's a scientific reason behind the brain's use of emotion and logical thinking in the states of dreaming,-] but the dreams are sexual. all of the random sexual dreams weren't about love, rather than a sense of obliged lust. Of that I can remember, I've had one dream about rape [in the case of 2 men randomly raping 1 woman,] no sense of fear in that dream. In another case, I dreamt of [me] being raped [satutary rape,] from a man that was trying to blackmail me and 3 other women into sleeping with him. There was one dream back in the 2009 winter, in which I dreamt that my best friend's dad molested me. That did seriously creep me out, and still makes me shudder every time I think about it.
Psychologically, dreams as such should be a response from the conscience to past events, and clearly, it's still bothering me. It makes me wonder what gives my dad the right to keep fathering me, to keep control over me, to stick his nose in my business. Why he should distrust me, when I can't trust him. An impossible, never-ending feeling of anger and frustration.
Um, anyways. I'm hoping to find a way to shadow the job of a worker for a field in [scientific] research or a psychologist this summer. I also have to convince my dad to let me find a job. But I'm scared he won't listen, I'm scared I'll get so frustrated when I'm thinking during the conversation [see last paragraph,] that I'll say something arrogant. It always happens.
I'm wondering that it's like to get away from your abuser, what the feeling is when you reach the age that you have to fend for yourself-financially, psychologically, in the world.
Whether you ever forget, or you always feel…frustrated [in my case.] In other cases-feeling a sense of worthlessness, emptiness, loneliness, feeling all broken and shattered. Why can't we just…fix ourselves and be on our way? Why do we have to feel like we're…sinking at the bottom of the ocean, desperately trying to swim back to surface-we're drowning, and there's still so much [heavy] sea water to swim through, there's no sight of light.
Kind of sucks.
Sometimes, typing in the pointless rambling relaxes me. Though I'm sure none of you would read through all of that [lol,] the feeling of putting words onto paper is so entirely…soothing. Don't you agree? You feel accomplished…lightweight…Feels…great.
Right, so, as I said in my last blog-I hope all of you have a wonderful day. And I really do hope that you at least try to have a nice 4th of July. I really want you to.
Anyways, thank you, good day, au revoir.