Today is Sunday, September 9, 2012. I didn't go to church. As a pastor's daughter, I find it hard to connect to God. Does that make me a failure as a Chrisitan? The main reason why I couldn't bring myself to go to my father's church was because I was just too tired. Too tired of asking God to help me with my problems and of the congregation constantly judging me. It's not like I don't love God…but…I guess I don't know how to explain my relationship with him.
For the longest time, I've been begging my mother to listen to me. For the past 16 years of my life, she hasn't bothered to lend even one ear to my voice. Being the pastor's wife, she decided to become the Children's Educator of our church, so naturally her kids were theguinea pigs for the children's program. Because our church caters to mainly college kids, there are barely any consistant families. Also because of our Korean ethnicity, our church only seemed to attract Korean families who intended on staying in the USA for a short period of time. So as a child I had to deal with constant "goodbyes" and "see you again…someday (never)". Because of the short term relationships I was forced to build as a child, I became very bitter and hostile in general. I did not want to get close to other kids if they were going to leave me again. So instead of getting close to these kids, I did the opposite: telling kids to stay away from me. This did not go so well among the parents of the other kids. Countless of times my mom would get phone calls about how her daughter was mean to so and so. Instead of wondering why her elementary child behaved in such a way, she immediately took the other moms' side. Because of those wonderful experiences, I learned to fend for myself and became very mean.
My mother's and my relationship has never been great. I attempted suicide twice and she did not seem to care. I told her about my depression countless of times, but she never got help. I feel like I have to go to the extremes to get help. Sorry for offending anyone, but here I am, a 16 year old, pastor's kid who had it easy (I mean my parents are not divorced or dead) going onto the interworld and sharing my story. I'm on the internet telling the whole world that I am depressed! For someone who is naturally a private person, this is the most extreme thing that I've done to try to treat my depression on my own. Anyway, that's internet for being a listening ear. I really needed someone (even if there is no one) to "talk" to today because apparently my mom has not been doing so well either. Just after our huge fight today, she emailed a bunch of her friends telling them that she wished to step down as the Christian Children's Educator because she failed in having a Christian and healthy teenage daughter. Whoop-dee-do.