I am truly suicidal again, I'm so sad because I have a beautiful happy 5 month old daughter and a family I love dearly and who support me through everything with great understanding. I have my own house and good physical health.

Despite everything being right in my life I am constantly battling with anxiety. When I was pregnant I suffered with chronic anxiety and suidal ideation and was admitted to a psychiatric ward. Since then my life has been about trying to push the anxiety down and acting like everything is fine so I can be the best mother and person to everybody who needs me.

But in the last week the anxiety and depression has hit me like a brick and I have had little control over it. The lump in my throat has been persistent, I had my first physical panic attack for a long time. I'm afraid of everything. I freak out about death and a possible afterlife, eternal suffering (suffering as I have hear my whole life on earth) I become disconnected and afraid of people which makes me very lonely and paranoid. I have become so anxious before that I started to get delusional, thinking my baby was possessed and my bf was gonna stab me…

I just cannot continue to go through this… I simply don't have the strength. I can't take benzo's because I'm afraid to take them which only makes the anxiety worse, rendering them useless.

My anxiety seems to severe that I think I'm the only one that has it this bad?? I try SO hard to help myself and to make myself well but it's persistent and requires a lot of my strength mentally, I'm exhausted with trying to control the anxiety and depression and look after a new baby.

God someone please help me I don't think I can go on 🙁

  1. kelley 11 years ago

    A year ago I was in the same place you are. I was so terrified of medication that when I started taking it I sat in the e.r waiting room just in case something happened. I truely thought I was I was going to die every single day. I obsessed about my children\'s health and safety, my husband, my own mortality. I woke up everyday in a state of panic and stayed that way all day long. It was the most difficult time in my life! I had to come to the realization that panic and anxiety is a part of me and it\'s nothing to be ashamed of. The people in your life will accept you for who you are and no one will love you as much as your child regardless of your faults. My children all know that I have my problems, they know I can\'t go into public most of the time but they love me just the same. I know things can get overwhelming to the point that it feels like you can\'t go on but you can. Try not to focus on supressing the anxiety, it\'s part of you. Hold on and take it one day at a time, your daughter will always need you. Just taking the time to write your post is a sign that you aren\'t done fighting yet. Even if you can\'t overcome it, you can learn to manage it and things will get better. I really hope that you start to feel better, best wishes- Kelley

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  2. GabZ 11 years ago

    Maybe try a medication that isn\'t benzo? .. it really really did help me a lot when I hit rock bottom last year after 10 years of struggling. I\'m taking an SSRI called Lexapro. My counsellor says its one of the gentler drugs of this class. Even if it doesn\'t work, there are others around. I\'m not saying that medication is the only thing that will help, but reading the above, perhaps it would be a good thing for now. There are side-effects, but hopefully they won\'t be too severe for you. Talk to a doctor about it first.

    Life is a struggle, but life is also filled with my wonderful things.

    Hope you feel better soon

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