hello lovely people, i hope th at uve all had a good day. the guy i like is married…..so its a no go! i heard him talking to one of the other instructors bout his wife! ive had a really difficult day. its the exam tomorrow… an hour exam of physicall intervention in front of 10 or more people doing their interview….this weeds out the ones who are frightened by the level of violence they may have to deal with…of course they see the worst case sinario…..every lunch break i have been going to the beach on my own to compose myself….i get on   well with people but find gossip ect. overwhelming so opt out of it, therefore im a bit of an outsider but a few people have realised this and are really nice to me. since i disclosed the otherday i feel as if some of the instructors have been keeping a special eye on me as ive thought they have felt that im more vulnerable than some…and thats pissed me off. today i had to act as if i was the patient and was pinned down by the instructors and students….it was so hard as memorys came flooding back and we had to be searched as if we had brought drugs in to the hospital, obv no orifice[apart from mouth] was looked at but still i had hands all over me! im never scared of violence but being pinned down was terrible although i hid it well, and having hands all over me was soooo intrusive. im really confident with patients its the [whats deemed as normal] people that at times i find hard to deal with.  im confident with some of the techniques of restraint that ive been taught this week but not at all of others. i may be small but im strong. if you dont pass this course you can have one more go at it. i was really shaken up after being pinned down and then searched…so when all the students had gone i said to mike[the guy i like] can i have a word with you. other instructors were at the end of the room and i said…do you think i should redo the course…i said i dont feel as if im as confident as the others. he said…your doing ok…if i thought you  should redo it i would have said something…he said a lot of people get anxious before the exam….i then burst into tears….he then led me outside[  earlier today he had come up to me when i was outside on my own and said that hed noticed that i hadnt liked being pinned down and then searched and that i could tell him to bugger off but had it brought back memories] id told him that it wasnt a memory but that i was claustraphobic]   when i was crying and out side i told him that i was a fucking idiot…he said i wasnt and that this course can press buttons and i wasnt the first and wouldnt be the last.[ i have a few major scars on my arms and i always cover them up cause i hate them and people act diff towards you if they see them…on this course ive had to wear sporty clothes so theyve been revealed] he said to me , your scars arnt baby scratches they are major so i know youve had a bad time.and i was impressed with you when you spoke up about being in a mental health hospital as a patient 20 years ago when the service user gave a tal k, that shows some balls. …i said, does it? he said yes.  i then said, i was bullshitting you today, i am claustraphobic but when i was shaken up it s cause memories had come back.  i said ive run a healthy living group ive done loads and i feel as if people think im really vulnerable cause of my past but im not….i abso adore working in mental health , ill never give up doing it cause i love it.  he said ther was another girl whos had problems like me in the hospital who did the corse and is now really happy working there….he said maybe i should have said something sooner…i said maybe but i didnt want to be seen as weak, that i am a human being who is capable of loads…i just lack initial confidence…..i said i felt himiliated for getting uposet in front of him…hee said not to feel that at all and that is was good that id talked to him. i then told him that some students had been strange towards me since seeing my scars…he said that they shouldnt be working in mental health then.  i then said i was going home for a large glass of wine and we both laughed…and here i am…terrified bout tommorrow…been crying in the bathroom…cheerful in front of millie and having a glass of wine…..thanks for listening donnax