I have no work..nothing to do, I suppose I could do I alot of things but I have no desire to do anything. No work for close to a year, struggling to get by. I started a business here in PR it crapped out not due to lack of hard work, planning or comittment, it was the unknown factor: the Puerto Rican Factor!. I came up with other ideas for businesses but I was told that it is better not to commit to anything and just wait. So for nearly a year I have been waiting, waiting and waiting.

I decided to do something so I got a couple of books learned HTML, XHTML, CSS, Photoshop, Dreamweaver and Flash. WebDesigner!! I thought, no real financial outlay, can be done from home, essentially. I decided I'd do a website for my wife and her little jewelry making thing and I'd fix up my business site so it looked good even if I was no longer in business. Then I find somebody who wants a site done but they can't pay either so I do it for $0 figuring I will develop a portfolio. But now they are getting pushy! I tell them ( I know them on a personal level as well) look, I am having a problem let me get through it and I'll get back to it. They say "just remember it could be worse"& "never give up!".

WTF! This guy has no idea how much worse it can get but he just wants me to get his FREE website done. He doesn't even want to pay for the ISP he wants to sub off of mine meanwhile  he's got a BMW and lives in a condo on the Beach and   nailing hookers and his hot little girl friend. But it could get a lot worse for me. I know every ten minutes it gets worse for me. I was trying to do the right thing giving him free service trying to motivate myself to do something and for what so I can get crapped on. And it'll be like that for any future endeavor, especially if I don't charge an appropriate fee then who will respect my abilities. Oh, yea just keep on keepin' on! right? I don't know what people think…

We have a family event this weekend I don't want to go to every one will ask how are you? (Como esta??) Well I tried to kill myself Wednesday night. I feel like crap and I can't manage to do anything productive! How's that?you want more? Or is that enough conversation? Or I can sit there like another relative all doped up on meds and not say a word while everybody walks by and talks about  me. And feels sorry and says "Why doesn't he just do something?" It's not that easy. "Just snap out of it" It's not that easy.

When everything I have done in the past is wrong, how do I move forward. Don't live in the past you say?? Well…Isn't that what defines us. When we finally die, people don't say oh he could have…When you give someone a resume for a job..it's about your accomplishments, when you meet someone new you you tell them about your past where you've been what you've done and what you are going to do. Right now I can't do anything so what else to say to people who don't understand……..


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