i’ve been feeling increasing panic and despair about impending parenthood. It’s not “Will I be a good parent?” It’s “I don’t want to be a parent.” It just seems incredibly selfish and unfair of me to even think that, but I’ve just been lying in tears searching my brain for a way out of this horrible situation. We have no home. We don’t have jobs. We have no money. My partner seems to think we can live on hand-outs, he can pootle back to Uni and do his Masters Degree, and life will be great. No, it wont. I HATE relying on other people’s charity, especially his parents as I already owe them money. I wont be able to work if he’s at Uni because I’ll have to look after the baby. We don’t have a place of our own and are relying on the council to prevent us bringing up our baby in the pokey little room at the back of my parents house. A house of 4 which has only 2 bedrooms as it is. I’ve had a rotten life up till last year. I was bullied and abused and treated like dirt for all of my childhood – I get out into the real world, drink too much, smoke too much because I want to forget all that then finally start settling down and building some confidence… and I’m raped. 2005 was the worst year of my life so far. I haven’t had the chance to get to grips with properly living, and now I’m gonna have a baby because my boyfreind insisted on using the notoriously unreliable Catholic method of protection. And to top that, he then nearly leaves me because I get pregnant as a result. It has taken this long for our relationship to calm down and return to the loving, confident closeness we had before, and all that will be taken from us in just 5 weeks.
I know I sound incredibly selfish and whiney. But this is how I feel right now and I needed to let it out.