Another day.. Another day of doing nothing. I'm so exciting eh?! i must be one of the most boring people on the entire planet earth.

I have an appointment tomorrow, which again I only get notified less than 24hrs of the the appointment. Thats just plain rude if you ask me. I know i'm not going to be able to talk my way out of this one. I don't know what i'm going to do. I know they really want me to work again, but I just don't feel like i'm going to be able to do it. I know they are only asking me to do a min of 15pw but to me that just seems like soo much. The stupid thing about that is that when I was working, I was working full time, 5/6 days a week. I was working since I was legally allowed to. Appart from the time off when I did my knee. People assume that because i'm not working now, i've never worked, which is so not the case. My rehab consultant said that he knows I can do it. How the hell does he know I can do it, when I don't even know I can do it?! It frusturates the heck out of me. Its really unfair.

I have so many fears about going back to work. So many. I just can't see myself doing it again. I know people are just going to think i'm being lazy or something. Its not that. Its i'm soo freaking scared. I'm so scared. I'm scared of failure, i'm scared of responsibility… I'm affraid of pressure. I'm scared, i'm scarred, i'm fat, i'm usless… I'm depressed… I can't do it. and the judgement.. oh my god! i'm just going to end up in a big mess. Even thinking about it has got my heart racing.

I feel guilty of having these thoughts as I know that there are so many people out there that a in desperate need of a job, and here I am freaking out at the prospect of having to get a job. I'm sorry.