I'm sitting here on my bed and it's 4:05 am. I'm crying and crying and I'm not feeling any better. I feel like my life is going to waste. I'm sitting here with this depression, crying all the time, not wanting to leave this damn room. I'm watching my life go by and I'm not doing anything about it. I want to, but I don't have the strength to get up and live. It feels like I'm just laying here in my bed waiting for death to claim me.

In the song "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson there’s a line that goes, "I want to change the world, instead I sleep." Every time I hear that line I cry harder. I want to make a difference in the world one day, I want to make a difference in some ones life. Make a difference in my life. I just feel alone, I feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be able to succeed. So I lay in this bed, wrapped in a blanket/cocoon and I cry at how I lay in bed depressed doing nothing while someone out there is dying or dead and if they weren't they would actually be doing something for others and themselves.

This might sound like I'm just complaining, but this is what I am really feeling. I know that I have to get up and do something about it if I want to change something, I know that I need to kick myself to get up and live my life, but it's easier said than done. This fucking depression makes me feel like a prisoner. I feel like I'm chained down and the chains weigh more than 150lbs and I'm serving a life sentence….This is the worst feeling ever and I pray that people do not feel what I'm feeling right now because these terrible feelings are so horrid they'll make you lose your mind..

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest I'm feeling a little better now. I'm going to attempt to relax and sleep…

xoxo Alyna

 

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