I'm so tired today, and everything feels uncomfortable. If I have my desk fan on, my sinuses are dry. If I have the fan off, I"m too warm. My whole body feels pooped, and my shoulder has been hurting for a week. I'd go in, but there are no clinics open before or after my work shift. They're all open from 8am to 5pm and I work 8am to 4:30pm. Each time I call one, they say some excuse ("We don't cover pain here" or "we're double booked for the next two days" or "The lastest we take anyone is 4:30 so we can take care of them by 5") and peddle me off to the next clinic over. Whatever is wrong withmy shoudler isn't important enough for walking into the ER as I've had it before and it does go away, it's just really bad this time. So all night last night I kept rolling onto it accidently in my sleep and waking up from the pain. I would have taken some pain killers but I'd already had a beer and I don't want to guess at what medication mixes with alcohol.

On top of that, I'v fried my computer's video card, so every time I try to run something I fear the static-screen-of-death. This is really problematic since I'm supposed to take over leading a group in one of my online games. I can't exactly be in charge if my computer blips out repeatedly….

Otherwise I've jsut got that overall feeling of ach. Neck, back, feet, legs, arms, etc. No idea why.

One of my coworkers left last week. so now we're trying to cover everything while we get someone new. That means I get to do part of my old job, the worst part, calling people about their bills. Yesterday I started getting the shakes while I was making those calls. I'm not completely sure why, I mean, it's jsut a phone call, but I think the dread of doing it, and the fear of getting someone on the phone who's less than understanding just makes my stress level sky-rocket.

I want to go take a nap, but I fear ruining my sleep cycle. It's hard enough getting myself to sleep at a reasonable hour for work in the morning. Usually my mind doesn't want to rest, it's always going on and on. I try to wear it out with playing games. I figure, if my brain wants to work, then work it until it drops. But still, I'm not getting to sleep soon enough. I tried doing calmer, quieter things before bed, but then my mind wanders. I start thinking about anything and everything, stories I've read or waht to write, events that happened recently that I wish I got to say whatever I wanted, etc etc. Usually, if I try to do calm things, my mind ends up going into depressive thoughts, and that never turnes out well. Usually I end up in a fit that takes me somewwhere around 4-7 hours to deal with.

Here I am, supposed to be happy that I'm on the brink of getting a house, my own place to call home and I can't quite get into the 'happy' feeling of it. I mean, I know the feeling is there, but it jsut doesn't want to come out. Is it fear that something will happen before everythin settles and I might not get the house? Is it fear that my BF and I will break up again and he'll boot me out because he earns mroe money than I do and so will be putting more into the house than I?

There are plenty of positives for getting this new home. I'll be albe to restart on all my chores, quite litterally.That is the biggest thing for me. I'm such a co-dependant person that while I've been living alone, I havn't done a thing to keep myself. I'm pretty sure all of my dishes are dirty, and my bathroom needs a good cleaning. The only thing I've done is the laundry. Even making food, I never "make" food for myself, I jsut scavange. If I had someone visiting or I lived with someone, then I seem to "make" food. Otherwise, I've caught myself having a "Dinner" of pop-tarts (without the toaster), a piece of cheese I broke off the block,andhalf a can of baked beans. Completely unrelated food that probably doesn't go together well, but I don't even pay attention to the taste, it's like I don't really care as long as I at least eat something to put my body at ease. Thankfully I don't mix those things…. ick.

Anyway, I'm going to stop here. I always chatter too much.


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